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Clyde Chesterfield's Invitation to the 1%er's Ball
by Zach Smith

You are cordially invited to attend a formal evening ball at the salacious manor/clubhouse of Clyde Chesterfield. Very few have made our list as this ball is only open to the 1%, whether that be the wealthiest in the country or the outlaw element of the biker community. You will soon find we are not so different.

The red carpet will be rolled out at 8:00 PM, as guests arrive in their own unique transportation. Every guest in attendance will be attempting to outdo the next in the esthetic value. Limousines, Ferraris and Roles Royce’s are expected. If you prefer two or three wheels, then hopefully your hog will come complete with an extended fork, ape hangers, oversized gas tank, etc. Have your driver/yourself park around the side of the manor/club house, by backing in so the cops cannot identify your license plate while driving by and spoil the evening. 

Dress accordingly. The event is black tie: silk or grosgrain, oxfords, cufflinks, clean and well refined look. If you don’t have a jacket then at least wear a vest with club colors shown, boots, jeans, jewelry and tattoos where appropriate.

The invitation is for two. Feel free to bring your wife or old lady. We are aware there may be some domestic problems between you and your significant other right now, whether it be years of psychological abuse (humiliation in front of colleagues, constant reminders of worthlessness, threats of leaving and taking the money and/or children with you when you go, etc.) or direct physical abuse (slapping, punching, shaking, hair pulling, etc.), we will not judge. We have all been in the same boat.

Expect competing businessmen to dine at the same table making snide underhand comments to one another, and fights to break out between rival clubs.

There will be a lovely assortment of food to enjoy, accommodating to everyone’s dietary needs and preferences: poularde albufera or spicy chicken wings, paupiettes de porc or barbequed spare ribs, pate de foie gras and caviar or hamburgers and hotdogs, and stake.

We will of course provide the finest assortment of drinks before, during and after the dinner. Our wine cellar is stocked with over 400 varieties of red and white from the best years and regions, hand selected by our house sommelier. If that doesn’t quite suit your pallet we have beer: Budweiser, Coors and blue ribbon quality Pabst, canned or bottled. 

After dinner the dance floor will be opened, and everyone is invited to participate. An eclectic variety of music will be provided. You will hear everything from classical waltzs to heavy metal. All are expected to participate in their own way, whether it be dancing hand in hand and hand on hip, or standing back to the wall, beer in hand, almost unnoticeably tapping foot with the rhythm.

Worried about your past? Don’t be, there will be more criminals and outlaws at this ball then you’ll know what to do with. Whether your crime is: insider trading or drug trafficking, cooking the books or cooking up meth, cutting corners or cutting rival club members, highway robbery or highway robbery, you will be in good company at the ball. 

We eagerly awaite your arrival.

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Clyde Chesterfield.