Chesterfield's Invitation to the 1%er's Ball
by Zach Smith
You are cordially
invited to attend a formal evening ball at the
salacious manor/clubhouse of Clyde Chesterfield.
Very few have made our list as this ball is only
open to the 1%, whether that be the wealthiest in
the country or the outlaw element of the biker
community. You will soon find we are not so
The red carpet
will be rolled out at 8:00 PM, as guests arrive
in their own unique transportation. Every guest
in attendance will be attempting to outdo the
next in the esthetic value. Limousines, Ferraris
and Roles Royces are expected. If you
prefer two or three wheels, then hopefully your
hog will come complete with an extended fork, ape
hangers, oversized gas tank, etc. Have your
driver/yourself park around the side of the manor/club
house, by backing in so the cops cannot identify
your license plate while driving by and spoil the
The event is black tie: silk or grosgrain,
oxfords, cufflinks, clean and well refined look.
If you dont have a jacket then at least
wear a vest with club colors shown, boots, jeans,
jewelry and tattoos where appropriate.
The invitation is
for two. Feel free to bring your wife or old lady.
We are aware there may be some domestic problems
between you and your significant other right now,
whether it be years of psychological abuse (humiliation
in front of colleagues, constant reminders of
worthlessness, threats of leaving and taking the
money and/or children with you when you go, etc.)
or direct physical abuse (slapping, punching,
shaking, hair pulling, etc.), we will not judge.
We have all been in the same boat.
businessmen to dine at the same table making
snide underhand comments to one another, and
fights to break out between rival clubs.
There will be a
lovely assortment of food to enjoy, accommodating
to everyones dietary needs and preferences:
poularde albufera or spicy chicken wings,
paupiettes de porc or barbequed spare ribs, pate
de foie gras and caviar or hamburgers and hotdogs,
We will of course
provide the finest assortment of drinks before,
during and after the dinner. Our wine cellar is
stocked with over 400 varieties of red and white
from the best years and regions, hand selected by
our house sommelier. If that doesnt quite
suit your pallet we have beer: Budweiser, Coors
and blue ribbon quality Pabst, canned or bottled.
After dinner the
dance floor will be opened, and everyone is
invited to participate. An eclectic variety of
music will be provided. You will hear everything
from classical waltzs to heavy metal. All are
expected to participate in their own way, whether
it be dancing hand in hand and hand on hip, or
standing back to the wall, beer in hand, almost
unnoticeably tapping foot with the rhythm.
Worried about your
past? Dont be, there will be more criminals
and outlaws at this ball then youll know
what to do with. Whether your crime is: insider
trading or drug trafficking, cooking the books or
cooking up meth, cutting corners or cutting rival
club members, highway robbery or highway robbery,
you will be in good company at the ball.
We eagerly awaite