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Chessmaster's Brain
by Matevž Hönn

In the middle of December, we hold solid position on the Red Square. She stops suddenly, declaring: “I love you Victor.”
Saint Aljehin! What shall I say now? What are my options! Think Victor think! It’s your move. I could respond with Shakespeare’s attack:

“Ask me not why my love for thee…”

No! No! She won’t understand a word. Think fast Victor! I could surprise opponent with Groff Dracula sacrifice:

“O Love let me take care of that pulsating vein on your beautiful neck and you’ll win one way ticket to Transylvania.”

To conservative, to pessimistic! Think Victor, you are running short of time! How about Ron Jeremy’s answer from Naughty Housewife’s 7:

“And my circumcised 25 cm love you too…suck it good…that’s it baby…”

My Capablanca, that would be worse than World War II. It seems she whispers “Victor” again. I shall use Sicilian defence, it is so popular nowadays. I got you baby, Sicilian defence, Michael Corleone variant.

You broke my heart Fredo. You are not my brother anymore…see our mother before you go home…”

Dear Fisher! It will be catastrophe if I use it now! The snow is pilling on her blue cap, while cold sweat is cooling my spine. I have to neutralize this pressure. Grandmaster Petrosian recommends French exchange variation in such situation, but it is to goddamn cold for swinging with tongue in this winter. I’m dead man. Maybe not…maybe not. What does eastern philosophy teach us! Ha! Art of War, Sun Tzu gambit!

“If you don’t know how strong the enemy is, just wait. Patience will be awarded. Let him make first move.” I got you, I got you know! I have plenty of time actually. Wait Victor! Wait and you will win it easily. 1 sec…2. sec…3 sec…

Tears are swelling in her blue eyes. “Victor! Victor…say something…”

Fuck Chinese philosophy, fuck! All my pieces are trapped. I am losing this match! Let’s try something new! How did Bush respond to banners “WE LOVE BUSH!” on republican’s convention in Dallas?

“Thank you…thank you! We must continue fighting against evil! We must attack terrorists before they attack us. This people don’t love freedom and they don’t love our freedom and they don’t love us who want freedom!”

I won’t win her heart with this, I am 100% sure I won’t. I wonder what was wrong with Laura. I better offer a draw.


I need breakthrough, let me try Stallone counterattack. How come, I didn’t think about it before! The final scene of Rocky I. Sly, bloody and busted roaring in the middle of ring:

“Adrian!! Adrian!!”

O…I will shout! I will shout so loud, that Putin will hear me in Kremlin…I will shout so loud that Lenin will flee from mausoleum. My time is up! Let’s finish this. But her name is not Adrian, she is goddamn Svetlana. She will cremate me if I call her Adrian. O…my…

“I knew it Victor! Goodbye!” She runs away.

“No…No…” I shout after her: “You didn’t give me enough time to think it over…Let’s have rematch tomorrow!”

She runs even faster.

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