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Call Centres
by Rebecca Burke

In modern day living, the things we rely on don't always go right.
Luckily help is at hand, anytime day or night.
Phoning your bank, hoping to speak to a friendly human to assist in your query.
Greeted instead by a dull recorded drone, robotically eerie.

Press 1 for this, 2 for that or just keep pressing numbers like a div.
Pres 2495 if you've quite frankly lost the will to live.
To change any of your details, press 5 followed by star key, or hash symbol to go back.
Hang on, the customers doing all the work here while they sit and do jack!

There aren't any blasted things I wish to amend
I just want to speak to a human, is that so difficult to comprehend?
None of your options fit in with my specific query.
No I do not need to hear the options again or I'll smash the phone in dearie.

My handsfree is not working, I'm forced to have the phone clamped to my ear.
MIddle of the road hold music nearly reducing me to tears.
Saying my patience is appreciated, well my custom sure isn't so that's rich.
Stop repeating "We are sorry to keep you waiting" apologies don't help this!

She's repeating the same message now again, my phone bill will be large.
If I ever meet this woman I will be held up on an assault charge.
Hallelujah...oh another voice asking me to enter my account number and sort code too.
Still at least now I'm told I'm moving up in the queue

At last a real person, who says "Can I start by taking your account number please?"
I've just given that so you can start on working out the cost of your hospital fees.
My question seemingly too complex at which point a supervisor is called in to confer.
A jumped up poser with over-gelled hair only 2 years older than her.

Oh well onto the dishwasher repair line as my machine has sprung a leak
Good news they can fit me in as early as the end of next week
No clue on when though, the unhelpful receptionist barks indignantly, just wait and see!
The repairman doesn't know what time he'll finish up in his van scoffing his yorkee.

All this so he can come swaggering clumsily though my house with halfwit apprentice in tow.
Treading dirt and muck in with them wherever they go.
Swinging toolbox, nipping backwards and forwards to van to phone his guv
Bending over appliance, showing his backside while chewing and saying "dunno luv"

When I've phoned a call centre as a calm rational person, and been on hold all afternoon
Waiting for donkeys years then getting cut off turns me into a homicidal loon,
My blood pressure elevated my head full of unadulterated rage.
Let's go back to the old days and sod this modern age!