A Pit To Hiss In
by Tony R. Lindsay
My wife will
tell you that any snake, no matter the size or
stripe, is a shoulderless fiend waiting for a
chance to ambush human prey. Serpents without
venom kill by the cruelest method of all--sheer
like you dont understand is that most fatal
heart attacks occurring outdoors are caused by
snakes arent slimy.
too! The only good snake is one that has been
dead for a month, and I wouldnt touch it
with a stick.
why dont snakes have a right to exist?
dont birds fly backwards? Because they
baby, Im not sure youre being
brother has more sense that you. He says that
snakes can hear him coming, and they make his
butt want to pick grass.
hes a clever guy. No doubt about it. By the
way, snakes dont have ears. They dont
And frogs dont actually jump.
A wise man
would get out of this conversation, but I press
on. All snakes are not evil. We owe
everything, even the procreation of humans, to a
you say such a thing?
out, dear. In the beginning, Adam and Eve ran
around in a lush garden called Eden. The lovely
Eve was bare-butt naked, but Adam paid her no
attention. A humble snake lived in Eden--a garden
snake. The poor snake didnt have a pit to
hiss in. But, he was big on sin. After an apple-tasting
episode, Adam began to notice Eve. A wiggle here
and a jiggle there awoke a localized stirring of
Adams anatomy. Ever since, weve had
sin and sex, and we owe it all to that noble
I pause for
effect, and then add, Snakes are just
another one of Gods creatures.
narrow; she purses her lips. Thats
just what they want you to think.
For heavens sake.
moves up an octave. Snakes are not the
creation of God or nature.
sweetie, are you sure about that?
Im not surprised.
squint to mere slits. The slithering demons
fled from the nether regions of the underworld to
stalk helpless women and dull, mindless men.
Snakes were spawned by Satan.
luck, I ask, Where would we be without that
original snake? Without sex we would not have had
all the generations that followed Adam and Eve.
I risk a little pinch. And you and I would
not have those tender moments that we enjoy.
it! You dont understand a darn thing about
snakes and not much about anything else. Im
not speaking to you. And you know what I mean.