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An Adult Actor
by Eric Victor Neagu

You decide to become an actor. Operating on the belief that any exposure is good exposure, you take a bit part in a small production. It is an adult picture. Luckily, you have landed one of the few speaking roles. This is a big break and you are thrilled. But when your moment arrives you flub your line. Totally miss it, actually. You try twice more, but the director claims the mood has been lost and gives you a lesser role as Penis #2 in a run of the mill threesome scene.

The next day you give up working in the pictures, but decide to stay with acting. You tell your agent, "Film is a director's medium. Theatre is where real actors go." Also, there’s almost no risk of sexually transmitted disease in the theatre, as far as you can tell.

Full of enthusiasm, you audition for several roles. One of the productions calls you back and you are optimistic about the part. When the director asks if you can sound more Cockney, you respond with much enthusiasm, “Sir, I have no problem with nudity when necessary.” He throws you a puzzled look, which you take as a challenge to your statement. You begin to remove your clothing to prove your commitment to the production.

He reacts politely, “I’m not sure you fully grasp your character’s motivation.”

You do not receive the part. That night you rent My Fair Lady and realize your mistake. Later in the year, you apply for a graduate program in business administration and give up acting entirely.