An Adult Actor
by Eric Victor
You decide to
become an actor. Operating on the belief that any
exposure is good exposure, you take a bit part in
a small production. It is an adult picture.
Luckily, you have landed one of the few speaking
roles. This is a big break and you are thrilled.
But when your moment arrives you flub your line.
Totally miss it, actually. You try twice more,
but the director claims the mood has been lost
and gives you a lesser role as Penis #2 in a run
of the mill threesome scene.
The next day you
give up working in the pictures, but decide to
stay with acting. You tell your agent, "Film
is a director's medium. Theatre is where real
actors go." Also, theres almost no
risk of sexually transmitted disease in the
theatre, as far as you can tell.
Full of enthusiasm,
you audition for several roles. One of the
productions calls you back and you are optimistic
about the part. When the director asks if you can
sound more Cockney, you respond with much
enthusiasm, Sir, I have no problem with
nudity when necessary. He throws you a
puzzled look, which you take as a challenge to
your statement. You begin to remove your clothing
to prove your commitment to the production.
He reacts politely,
Im not sure you fully grasp your
You do not receive
the part. That night you rent My Fair Lady
and realize your mistake. Later in the year, you
apply for a graduate program in business
administration and give up acting entirely.