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What a Way to Go
by Michael C. Keith

Oh, the pain, the bliss of dying!
-- Alexander Pope

Ancient Greece philosopher Chrysippus laughed to death while watching his inebriated donkey’s bizarre behavior.

The Earl of Hereford succumbed to a spear up his anus when accosted from the rear by an enemy combatant.

Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe died from a strained bladder while trying to avoid insulting his hosts at a banquet by leaving the table.

Famed French writer Moliere coughed to death while performing his play “The Hypochondriac.”

Adolph Frederick, King of Sweden, ate himself to death by consuming several main courses and 14 desserts.

Sea captain and explorer John Kendrick died when struck by a canon ball fired in his honor.

Brewer and college founder Matthew Vassar expired during a farewell speech.

Distiller Jack Daniel died of a broken toe after striking it against a safe during a fit of anger.

American writer Sherwood Anderson choked on a toothpick at a gala soiree.

David Grundman was killed when a cactus he was using for target practice toppled on him.

Fabled playwright Tennessee Williams perished when an eye-drop bottle cap lodged in his throat as he tended his morning ablutions.

Twenty-eight year old Lee Seung Seop died from exhaustion while playing a video game nonstop for two days.

Radio contestant Jennifer Strange accidentally drowned herself by drinking excessive amounts of water in order to win a Nintendo Wii console.

Sailor Jonathan Campos committed suicide by stuffing toilet paper down his throat.

And Mama Cass Elliott did NOT die in her sleep because part of a ham sandwich got stuck in her windpipe.