The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

The Probe
by John McDonnell

“Honey, I would never cheat on you.” 

“No, Bobby, of course not. It’s just that you were picked up by aliens and taken to their mothership and examined by them and you lost two whole days even though it seemed like only 15 minutes.”

“I know it sounds crazy.”

“And you came home with lip gloss all over you and smelling like a perfume factory.”

“I told you, I can explain that.” 

“Okay, I’m up for a good laugh. Fire away.” 

“They were doing some kind of weird experiment. . . they had an android and she -- I mean, it -- was really realistic looking. I mean, with a body like -- um, not like yours, of course. Nothing like yours, honey.” 


“Although it was pretty amazing. They engineered this thing to look like. . . well, it looked like--”

“I don’t want to hear what it looked like!”

“I was thinking of you the whole time, I swear.” 

“I can’t believe I’m listening to this.” 

“It was humiliating, really. I never felt so used.”

“I’m sure that’s exactly how you felt.” 

“I don’t know why they picked me. I was on my way home from work when this big spaceship just sucked the car right up in the air. I don’t think anybody saw, because I had gotten off the highway and I was driving on a deserted road.”

“Nobody saw? How convenient.” 

“Honest, honey, I’m traumatized. I may not ever be able to function in bed again.” 

“All right, I’ve heard enough. Out!” 

“But honey. . . “

“Out! You lying, cheating. . . get out of my house! I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“But wait. . . would you believe me if I showed you one of the aliens?”

“Have you lost your mind? Now I’m worried about you.”

He opened the screen door and in stepped a woman that looked like a cross between Angelina Jolie and Kim Kardashian on the best day of their lives. 

“This is Zarq 5,” Bobby said. “She’s an android.” 

“Greetings,” Zarq 5 said. Her voice was low and sultry.

In a flash Darlene hit the android with a lamp stand. Then she hoisted a heavy ceramic vase and threw it at the robot’s head. Then she picked up a footstool and chased Zarq 5 around the living room with it. The android ‘s face registered stark terror. It held its arms out to ward off the blows, but that proved ineffective.

“Slut!” Darlene screamed. “Intergalactic trash! Get out of my house. If I ever see you around him again I’ll make you wish you were a collection of parts floating around one of Jupiter’s moons.” 

The android broke a heel trying to get away, but it ran amazingly fast and was out the door and down the street in an instant. 

Back on the mothership, the android made its report. 

“Barbaric creatures,” it concluded. “They are not worth colonizing. And mating with them will only produce violence from the female of the species.”

The ship’s commander filed a report that gave Earth such a low priority rating it was guaranteed not to receive another exploratory probe for at least a millennium. The ship sped off to another part of the galaxy. The android would not come out of its quarters until the ship had passed Jupiter.