The Probe
by John
McDonnell
“Honey, I
would never cheat on you.”
“No,
Bobby, of course not. It’s just that you
were picked up by aliens and taken to their
mothership and examined by them and you lost two
whole days even though it seemed like only 15
minutes.”
“I know
it sounds crazy.”
“And you
came home with lip gloss all over you and
smelling like a perfume factory.”
“I told
you, I can explain that.”
“Okay,
I’m up for a good laugh. Fire away.”
“They
were doing some kind of weird experiment. . .
they had an android and she -- I mean, it -- was
really realistic looking. I mean, with a body
like -- um, not like yours, of course. Nothing
like yours, honey.”
“Right.”
“Although
it was pretty amazing. They engineered this thing
to look like. . . well, it looked like--”
“I
don’t want to hear what it looked like!”
“I was
thinking of you the whole time, I swear.”
“I
can’t believe I’m listening to this.”
“It was
humiliating, really. I never felt so used.”
“I’m
sure that’s exactly how you felt.”
“I
don’t know why they picked me. I was on my
way home from work when this big spaceship just
sucked the car right up in the air. I don’t
think anybody saw, because I had gotten off the
highway and I was driving on a deserted road.”
“Nobody
saw? How convenient.”
“Honest,
honey, I’m traumatized. I may not ever be
able to function in bed again.”
“All
right, I’ve heard enough. Out!”
“But
honey. . . “
“Out! You
lying, cheating. . . get out of my house! I
don’t ever want to see you again.”
“But wait.
. . would you believe me if I showed you one of
the aliens?”
“Have you
lost your mind? Now I’m worried about you.”
He opened the
screen door and in stepped a woman that looked
like a cross between Angelina Jolie and Kim
Kardashian on the best day of their lives.
“This is
Zarq 5,” Bobby said. “She’s an
android.”
“Greetings,”
Zarq 5 said. Her voice was low and sultry.
In a flash
Darlene hit the android with a lamp stand. Then
she hoisted a heavy ceramic vase and threw it at
the robot’s head. Then she picked up a
footstool and chased Zarq 5 around the living
room with it. The android ‘s face registered
stark terror. It held its arms out to ward off
the blows, but that proved ineffective.
“Slut!”
Darlene screamed. “Intergalactic trash! Get
out of my house. If I ever see you around him
again I’ll make you wish you were a
collection of parts floating around one of
Jupiter’s moons.”
The android
broke a heel trying to get away, but it ran
amazingly fast and was out the door and down the
street in an instant.
Back on the
mothership, the android made its report.
“Barbaric
creatures,” it concluded. “They are not
worth colonizing. And mating with them will only
produce violence from the female of the species.”
The ship’s
commander filed a report that gave Earth such a
low priority rating it was guaranteed not to
receive another exploratory probe for at least a
millennium. The ship sped off to another part of
the galaxy. The android would not come out of its
quarters until the ship had passed Jupiter.
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