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THE DR. PHILBILLY SHOW - The Kung-Fu Armadillo
by Wayne Carlan

Ok…one night I heard the dogs going nuts in the front yard about 2am. I get up, stagger half asleep to the kitchen and grab my weapon of choice, a broom. As I go investigate I peek a look out the window and don‘t see a thing, so I creep open the door and poke out my head for a peek… nothing. As I slowly survey the perimeter of my yard there it is, something moves in the bushes. I poke it with my weapon and the bush moves violently.

Dannnng! What the heck?

All of a sudden the biggest armadillo I have ever seen charges me. This dang thing must have weighed 35 lbs and had bionic armor. I freak out and start running around in my front yard with nothing on but my Tweety Bird boxer briefs and swinging the broom behind me. I’m screaming like a 12 year old little girl. It finally chases me up to my front porch banister and I’m perched there like a rooster with my broom ready for hand to hand combat. I swing at my enemy and it jumps straight up about eye level with me doing the coolest 360 degree karate kick I‘ve ever seen. This is a Kung-Fu armadillo!

Ok then, let’s get it on Mr. Armadillo. I twirl my broom like a half naked redneck ninja and somehow manage to wack myself in the face. Craaaaap! I fall off the banister and land square on my back, the armadillo lands right beside me. We must have scared each other half to death cause he went one way and I went the other. Melissa shows up at the door in a panic wanting to know what’s going on. Of course I say it was nothing and we go back to bed. The next day we walk out of the house and it looked like I had planted a hay field in the yard. Broom straw was everywhere.

Until we meet again armadillo, until we meet again…