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THE DR. PHILBILLY SHOW - The Great Paint Ball War of 2005
by Wayne Carlan

Several years back I had the bright idea that the boys were old enough for paint ball guns. I know…I never claimed to be the sharpest knife in the drawer. Anyway, we were going to have a big war in the field behind our house to break them in. None of us have ever played before so we really didn’t know how bad it hurts when you got shot or how far away you should stand before shooting someone else.

Well my genius son, let’s call him Alex, decides to get on the internet and do some research. The next day we get all of our gear together, dress up and head for the woods. It’s me against Josh and Alex. Seemed fair enough at the time, but boy did I underestimate these little mercenaries. I was sneaking around a bush and started looking in the direction they were headed. I didn’t see them anywhere. It was like hunting Rambo!

They had done circled back around behind me and I never even knew it. The last thing I heard was a “POW!” then the lights went out. When I woke up they were gone again. How can a paint ball do that much damage? I have a knot on the back of my head big enough to have its own birth certificate and it feels like ants have bitten me all over my neck. I look around but there is no ant bed. I do find a couple of paint balls and tooth picks.

What the heck? The paint balls didn’t even bust.

As a matter of fact they are hard as marbles, and cold. They had done froze THEIR paint balls in the freezer over night. Craaaaap! It was like getting shot with real bullets. What’s up with the tooth picks, though? Man these ant bites hurt… I rub my hand across the back of my neck and pull out three, count them, three tooth picks that were stuck in my dang neck. They stuck them in the barrel and shot me with them like they were poison darts or something.

You ever seen the movie “Home Alone”? Well, that kid doesn’t have a thing on my kids. I packed up my gear and started sneaking out of the woods. I am walking slowly, being real quiet when I stepped on a twig. Crap! I stopped, looked around and lying flat against a tree I saw 4 eye balls open up. Dang it!

I start running and the gun fire erupted. I hear frozen paint balls whizzing by my ears and breaking limbs in front of me, bark flying off trees and then it felt like a swarm of bees hit me right in the butt. These freakin’ kids are out for blood! I finally made it to the house and slammed the door, locking it behind me. Melissa thought I had lost my mind. “Who are you running from?” she says laughing, “They’re only 10 and 12 years old.” Well she didn’t think it was so funny when she had to get the tweezers to extract the tooth picks out of my butt! I’m just sayin’.