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Quitting Smoking: Day One
by J. M. Cinq-Mars

Am I chewing this right? How can I want a cigarette already; I’ve chewed two pieces of nicotine gum and I had my last cigarette less than an hour ago.

I want a cigarette. I want to cut my hands off. Maybe it’s my hands that want the cigarette. So I must cut them off. It’s that simple.

Of course, going to the emergency room with my hands in a freezer bag might get me into a mental ward. I wonder how long a stay my insurance would cover? It might not be so bad. I would get a nice room and nice people to talk to and a bedtime.

“Hi, Boss-Man? Yeah, uh, I’m calling off for the next four weeks because I’m in a mental hospital. Yeah. I have no hands. No, they’ve seen it before. I know, I’m surprised it took this long, too.”

Can I smoke while I’m chewing this gum? It says I shouldn’t. Does that apply to everyone, though? Maybe there are special cases. People who can chew the gum and smoke a Marlboro at the same.

I see I bought the 4mg gum. That’s the strong one, it says. Is it really? Really? You sure about that? Why don’t they have a 200mg one, maybe then I wouldn’t want a cigarette right now!

I have to get ready for work. I’ll be on the road for approximately two minutes, which is how long it takes me to get there. You know what will be on the road with me? Other people. In their cars. You know what might be in their cars? Cigarettes.

This gum just tastes like cinnamon gum. Where is the nicotine? Why am I craving a cigarette?

How much of this gum can I have in 24 hours? It says every 1 to 2 hours. So, if my math is right, that’s 300 pieces a day. Well, heck, this is going to be more expensive than buying Marlboros! What is up with that?

Should I be meditating? Would that help? Does it matter if you talk to yourself? Do the voices in my head make a difference?

Thank God they can’t advertise cigarettes on TV anymore!

Oh man…I just realized something. Marlboro has a website. Will they give me money? Free cigarettes? A horse? How do I block it from myself? Can you block a site from yourself on your own laptop? Do I need to get someone else to do it for me?

Heck no! I’d be up to my elbows in motherboard if I let someone start blocking sites from me on this laptop. And then I’d find out what a laptop sounds like being slammed against a wall.

It really is time to get ready for work (which involves finding my beanie hat and, well, putting it on my head.) Off I must go to earn money--TO DO WHAT?! NOT TO BUY CIGARETTES, THANKS A LOT!