by J. M. Cinq-Mars
Am I chewing
this right? How can I want a cigarette already;
Ive chewed two pieces of nicotine gum and I
had my last cigarette less than an hour ago.
I want a
cigarette. I want to cut my hands off. Maybe
its my hands that want the cigarette. So I
must cut them off. Its that simple.
going to the emergency room with my hands in a
freezer bag might get me into a mental ward. I
wonder how long a stay my insurance would cover?
It might not be so bad. I would get a nice room
and nice people to talk to and a bedtime.
Yeah, uh, Im calling off for the next four
weeks because Im in a mental hospital. Yeah.
I have no hands. No, theyve seen it before.
I know, Im surprised it took this long, too.
Can I smoke
while Im chewing this gum? It says I
shouldnt. Does that apply to everyone,
though? Maybe there are special cases. People who
can chew the gum and smoke a Marlboro at the same.
I see I bought
the 4mg gum. Thats the strong one, it says.
Is it really? Really? You sure about that? Why
dont they have a 200mg one, maybe then I
wouldnt want a cigarette right now!
I have to get
ready for work. Ill be on the road for
approximately two minutes, which is how long it
takes me to get there. You know what will be on
the road with me? Other people. In their cars.
You know what might be in their cars? Cigarettes.
This gum just
tastes like cinnamon gum. Where is the nicotine?
Why am I craving a cigarette?
How much of
this gum can I have in 24 hours? It says every 1
to 2 hours. So, if my math is right, thats
300 pieces a day. Well, heck, this is going to be
more expensive than buying Marlboros! What is up
Should I be
meditating? Would that help? Does it matter if
you talk to yourself? Do the voices in my head
make a difference?
Thank God they
cant advertise cigarettes on TV anymore!
just realized something. Marlboro has a website.
Will they give me money? Free cigarettes? A horse?
How do I block it from myself? Can you block a
site from yourself on your own laptop? Do I need
to get someone else to do it for me?
Id be up to my elbows in motherboard if I
let someone start blocking sites from me on this
laptop. And then Id find out what a laptop
sounds like being slammed against a wall.
It really is
time to get ready for work (which involves
finding my beanie hat and, well, putting it on my
head.) Off I must go to earn money--TO DO WHAT?!
NOT TO BUY CIGARETTES, THANKS A LOT!