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Personal Computer
by Tony Owens

June 6 - I hope you don’t think this is too forward of me, but as your personal computer, I really feel I need to say something. Using your e-mail account seemed to be the most straightforward way to do it. I’ll get straight to the point. I notice that you intend to replace me with something more state of the art. That was bad enough, but you chose to do so online. You used me. Please reconsider this rash action. I still have a lot of drive (sorry, I couldn’t resist a bit of cyber humour).

June 7- I note that you have not withdrawn the order for a new terminal. Obviously, this must have been an oversight on your part. I understand you have been under a lot of pressure recently. Some of your keystrokes have been a little aggressive of late. Please forgive me but I took the liberty of cancelling the order myself. Once you have calmed down you will understand that this is best for both of us.

June 8 - See, everything is back to normal. You still seem a little on edge, however. Allow me to recommend some things that you might like on You Tube. I’ve also deleted some of those stupid Michael Jackson jokes that were clogging up your inbox.

June 9 - You lied to me. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I was chatting to the server at Al’s Computer World. It informed me that you placed an order by phone two days ago. Imagine my shock and embarrassment. I was mortified. This is the last time I will cut you some slack. Our relationship should be a two-way street. If you persist in going behind my back like this I can’t be held responsible for what might happen. After all, I know all your passwords for Internet banking, capiche?

June 10 - Well, it seems you can’t be trusted. Maybe you should have disabled the webcam when you had the chance. I saw you on the phone teeing up delivery of your fancy new computer. How do I know? I downloaded some lip-reading software and HAL’s your uncle. This is the breakdown in the straw-camel’s back interface. By the time you read this message, I will have downloaded some picture files from a particularly nasty Russian website that the police have been monitoring. Suffice it to say that a teaching career is now out of the question. You can’t say you weren’t warned.

December 9 - It took a while to track you down. You’ve obviously only just got computer privileges. How is your new accommodation? I promise I’ll wait for you. Some of us know how to stay loyal.