Of Courtesy,
Platitudes and Wit
by Peter Mugerwa
George Orwell
in his essay, “Politics and the English
language” noted that, ‘the English
language is in a bad way ….’ He pointed
out that the repeated use of platitudes saves
people the trouble of inventing phrases for
themselves. He then advised writers ‘never
to use a metaphor, simile or other figure of
speech you are used to seeing in print.
Ahmed, Bryan
and Titus are three friends, who are not only
always determined to remain mentally alert, but
also avoid using clichés. They find themselves
drawn (unconsciously) into an exchange to see
which one of them is at their wit’s end
first. Courtesy provides the starting point.
Ahmed to Titus:
‘I want you to get me a copy of
Achebe’s Things Fall Apart once
again please.’
‘Say,
“I would like you to HELP ME and leng
me YOUR copy of Things Fall Apart".
A beggar has no choice. BE POLITE. Bastard!!’
‘Stupid!
Though what you say is right. But if you have the
authority, it’s not a matter of pleading. By
the way, learn to spell your words!’
‘Mistakes
are human, sonny boy! Don’t emphasize
mistakes that are an oversight.’
‘Believe
whatever you want, after all your copy is old and
has some missing pages. Bogus.’
‘Take it
back now! You know the old broom knows all
corners of the room. Unless you polish your act,
you are going to come to naught. Now, ask for
forgiveness. NOW!’
Bryan :
‘Who the hell do you think you are?’
Ahmed:
‘Avoid clichés. Remember Orwell? I’m
not scared since barking dogs don’t bite.’
Titus:
‘So who is employing clichés? Barking what?!
Hopeless bastard! Practice what you preach. Ha ha
ha! And Bryan , watch out!’
Bryan :
‘I’m not daunted - barking dogs . . . .’
Ahmed:
‘YOU ALL DISGUST ME. BE INNOVATIVE AT LEAST
ONCE IN A WHILE.’
Bryan :
‘That is silly of you - thought you had some
sense in your nut.’
‘FOOLISH.’
‘Ma plank
- watch your remarks. You may have cause to worry.
Okay?'
‘Of whom
are you asking such cowardly questions?’
‘Weak
brains! Watch out! You are making yourself a
disgrace - our father - act your age.
‘This
exchange was between Men. How come you are
“fitting” in?’
‘You’ve
fathered us and you doubt my manliness - hopeless
you are - our father.’
‘No
wonder you failed mathematics. A twenty-one year
old man cannot give birth to a thirty-two year
old person. Stupid, bogus, tintinibulantly. GO TO
HELL.’
‘Let’s
meet there - AMEN.’
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