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Notes on Protecting the Vital Organs
by Wendy Parker

It has recently come to my attention that children of today are delicate creatures made of silk and balsa wood. I came to this conclusion while watching a young mother prepare her child for a bike ride in the local park. After she secured his specially handcrafted mouthpiece, she fixed a seven-hundred dollar Kevlar helmet to his head and placed his prescription protective eye wear over that. She then proceeded to help him into his shin guards, knee and elbow pads and fingerless riding gloves. This ensemble was completed with tiny padded bike shorts that made the kid look as if he had a zucchini in his pants. By the time she had him geared up, it was dark and he never actually got to ride the bike, but his safety was well appointed, and his mother had achieved the gold standard in vital organ protection.

Apparently, the species has taken a turn for the worse since I was a child. Human beings are no longer able to withstand the effects of such horrors as sunlight, tap water and canned meat products. I have it on good authority that it will soon be illegal to leave your home without the benefit of rigid skull protection and violators will be harshly fined and forced to watch many consecutive hours of The O’Reilly Report. It has also been rumored that arch support will be mandated and all outdoor activities will be strictly limited to those that can be performed while completely encased in highly reflective material.

Growing up, I distinctly remember being hauled around in the hatchback of a 1970 AMC Gremlin. My mother and her sister would load me and my two cousins into the carbon monoxide-filled death chamber, give us opened tin cans of Vienna Sausages and Kool-aide filled sippy cups, slam the hatch and careen around downtown Atlanta in rush hour traffic at approximately the speed of light. We happily bumped along, sticking our little fingers deep into the sharp-edged cans and stuffing our faces with greasy, meaty nitrates while drinking the equivalent of a pound of sugar diluted in tap water and red dye number two. No one minded being left alone in the car for hours at a time, no one ever questioned the quality of care we were getting, no one wore a seat belt and no one even considered wearing a helmet while roller skating.

The human race has become a fat, gelatinous blob cowering behind attorneys who are paid to enforce the ridiculous  warning labels  attached to any and all purchasable goods. I recently bought a can of whipped cream that had a caution attached to it stating that inhalation of the product could cause respiratory distress. My theory is if you’re stupid enough to stick a can of whipped cream up your nose and inhale it, then you deserve to die foaming at the mouth with a whipped cream can hanging from your face.

Natural selection has come to a virtual standstill and communities are now littered with families full of wandering idiots who adhere strictly to printed label law. Here’s an idea: use a little common sense, and try to pass some of it on to your progeny. And remember, insect spray is generally poisonous to humans, fire is hot, and ingesting gasoline is a bad idea. I know, and you’re welcome.