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Lincoln's Beard Found At HMV
by Dom Macchiaroli

Shoppers at a London area HMV store were quite startled today when one of them discovered Abraham Lincoln’s beard nestled amongst some old Joni Mitchell albums.

As everyone knows, Lincoln was a very forgettable and ordinary American president who grew one of the world's most amazingly famous beards.
While president, he was called the “Great Emancipator” because he was always going around emancipating things. Critics usually blamed the beard.

But during the campaign of 1860, Lincoln was clean shaven. He grew the beard only after receiving a letter from a child criticizing his really ugly face. Eleven year old Grace Bedell wrote to Lincoln about growing a beard to cover his putrid mug:

“(You) would be much improved in appearance, provided you would cultivate whiskers. All the ladies like whiskers and they would tease their husband's to vote for you and then you would be President.” Grace wrote.

Lincoln responded, “My dear little Miss….. as to the whiskers, having never worn any, do you not think people would call it a piece of silly affection if I were to begin it now?” Grace didn’t know what the hell he was talking about.

Nevertheless, Lincoln took her advice and stopped shaving. Flattering posters of the man began to adorn the bedroom walls of teenaged girls from Albany to Cheyenne. Lincoln was elected in a landslide of hirsute proportions.

On his way to Washington for the inaugural, Lincoln saw Grace briefly at a train station in Westfield, New York. He thanked her for the beard suggestion and said, “You see, I let these whiskers grow for you Grace.” Seeing as to how Lincoln apparently would do anything she asked, Grace then requested that he bring her dead dog, Melancholy, back to life. Lincoln told her to run along, and directed Secret Service agents to wrestle her to the ground.

Lincoln was sadly shot by John Wilkes Booth at Ford’s Theatre in Washington on April 14, 1865. Booth committed the crime as he was incensed that Lincoln wore a ‘Chin Curtain’ rather than an ‘Imperial’ which was much more fashionable at the time.

After his death someone decided to emancipate Lincoln’s beard. It was safely stored in a box, but thieves kept trying to steal it. It was soon recovered. Over the next thirty-six years the beard was stolen, recovered, disappeared, stolen, and recovered again. It was moved 17 times in that same time period. By 1901, Robert Lincoln, the president’s eldest son and a huge fan of beards himself, decided he’d had enough. He had the beard buried under ten feet of concrete and steel at Lincoln’s Tomb in Springfield Illinois.

Knowing this history, HMV officials and company executives had utterly no explanation for the beard’s appearance last Friday at their store on Oxford Street. At the very least, it might have been discovered amongst some good music.