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THE DR. PHILBILLY SHOW - Lights Out On Aisle 16
by Wayne Carlan

A few years ago Melissa and I went shopping with her mother, let’s call her Pat Lee, at Wal-Mart. Somehow we ended up on the pet aisle and so we stopped to look at the cat toys. Now I don’t really remember who had the cat but we were looking at the toys anyway.

I was about ten feet away from them looking at this very cool and realistic wind-up mouse wondering, “Who do I owe a little payback to?” (As you can imagine, the list was pretty long.) Out of the corner of my eye I see Melissa holding this one toy. It was one of those big springs with a ball on the top and the cat is supposed to hit it back and forth for hours.

Melissa gets a wicked grin on her face, pulls back the ball and smacks Pat right on the head. I heard the crack even standing ten feet away. Then I saw Pat go down to one knee, holding the buggy with her left hand and her head with her right. She yells, “Oh no, Melissa, what have you done? I can’t see. I can’t see!”

Melissa then says, “Oh Mama, get up and quit being so dramatic. It’s only Styrofoam. See. I’ll show you.” Then she pulled back the ball again and hit herself in the head. I heard that crack, too. Wow, this is better than going to the movies!

Melissa lets out a grunt, her body stiffens up and her eyes cross. She falls backwards into a display set up behind her and cans of “9 Lives” spill everywhere. One even rolled up to my foot. This is just too good! Melissa is lying on the floor and it looks like Pat is kneeling there praying for her. I can’t even stop laughing long enough to go see about them.

Finally, I walk over to where the victims are laying and I pick up the toy. After further inspection, I concluded it was indeed Styrofoam. On the outside that is, but on the inside there was a 2 pound solid steel ball bearing. I pulled it back and hit the floor with it and you could hear the echo on aisle 4. (We were on aisle 16 if you’re curious.) This thing should be in the weapons department and you should have to have a license to be able to buy it… along with a training class, of course. I’m just sayin’.