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Hyndman's Wallograph # 56
by Orest Talpash

“Have a chair, Professor Hyndman. Look, David, I’m recommending a leave of absence for you. Take some time off, sort things out and come see me in a couple of months.” That’s what she said. Her exact words. The bitch. Head of the English Dept? Grande dame of belles-lettres? Department head? She couldn’t organize two dogs in heat to copulate.

Oh, yeah, a leave from students. “Is that going to be on the exam?” You wonder which sustained more damage, the crap in that kid’s laptop I threw out the window, or the rocks on which it landed. Who would believe someone could discover momentous significance—would merit a post-grad degree—for counting specific verbs in some obscure Amazon’s rant. I’ve seen more signs of human intelligence in pictograms.

The bitch and Marg are tight. They discuss me. “Hyndman’s issues.” And Marg has moved out. No farewell, no note, no shit. Now my head is clearer, less hassle from her. Sometimes. And sometimes I can’t get her out of my mind. Her provocative questions keep spinning about. “Shall I order in a pizza or some Chinese?” “Go fuck yourself,” was my studied, carefully articulated response. I am resolved to live on nothing but bread and water. I shall never, ever clutter up my cerebrum with her inconsequentialities.

And what a cerebrum it is! Why, I’m now sure they gave me a doctorate ten years ago expressly because they just didn’t understand my dissertation: anything so beyond their thinking must be worthy. But all this creative cogitation and computation does strain the circuits. I often hear sparking as charges flow across the frontal lobe synapses. The free-radicals of the neurotransmitters swarming through my brain have actually induced static on the radio. I’ve unplugged my television and turned it to the wall.

Because I’m running out of walls I must finish writing these notes on the door. Someday they will discover these writings. Like those Lascaux cave paintings. Or Hopi petroglyphs. Oh yes. Marg will be astonished to see photographs of Hyndman’s wallographs.