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Enquirer Seeks Bailout
by David Martin

Reuters: 2nd December 2009: "Several days ago, the National Enquirer tabloid said [Tiger] Woods had a relationship with Rachel Uchitel, whom the paper described as a 'New York City party girl'."

In a late breaking development in the ongoing Tiger Woods scandal, "The National Enquirer" has asked for a federal bailout.

"We've held off going hat in hand to the government as long as we could," said Managing Editor Frank Lee Prurient. "But we've kind of hit the wall on this Tiger Woods thing."

Apparently The Enquirer is not rolling in dough as many thought. It seems that taking on the investigative duties formerly performed by the mainstream media has inflicted a heavy financial toll.

"I'm proud that we broke the stories on people like John Edwards, Jesse Jackson and Gary Hart," said Mr. Prurient. "But large scale investigations like that cost money.  People don't generally offer up the truth for nothing, you know."

The Tiger Woods story appears to be the straw that broke the tabloid's fiscal back. Although the initial disclosures did not cause too much of a burden on the paper, the escalating stream of revelations has threatened its ongoing viability.

"Look," said Prurient. "We can handle two, three, maybe even four or five mistresses coming forward. But once we get past half a dozen bimbo eruptions, it's a real strain on our bottom line."

For each mistress or alleged mistress that comes forward, The Enquirer has to invest a great deal of time and money. And given the magnitude of the story, each Woods companion necessitates at least her own reporter and photographer to track her every move. Luckily for The Enquirer, the federal government recently announced that not all of the huge bank bailout fund will need to be used. That leaves $200 billion or more available for public works, job creation and support for other industries in financial peril.

"I think we qualify on all three counts," said Prurient. "Of course a bailout would save a lot of jobs and help a struggling enterprise. But more importantly, it would help preserve the last bastion of investigative journalism in this country."

"All we need is one or two hundred million dollars," said the managing editor. "That's a drop in the bucket for the government's TARP program but it would work miracles for us. Let's face it; when you're trying to track down the sexual partners of a billionaire like Tiger Woods, you need all the cash you can get."

President Obama has not commented yet on The Enquirer's request but is reportedly cool to the idea. An unidentified White House spokesperson has instead suggested some of the bailout money be spent on identifying women who have not slept with Tiger Woods.

"In the long run, we think it would be a wiser allocation of government funds," said the anonymous source. "After all, it's bound to cost a lot less to find out who hasn't slept with Mr. Woods than to find out who has."