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THE DR. PHILBILLY SHOW - Department Store Hijinks
by Wayne Carlan

Over the holiday season we took the kids shopping at the mall near our home town to get some ideas from them for Christmas. So we walk into one of the local department stores and go our separate ways for a few minutes to look around. As I am making my way back I see my son, Alex, at a display table really engrossed in something. He sees me and waives me over. Melissa is coming in the opposite direction and he waives her over, too.

Alex says, “Y’all come look at this cool game.” So we get there and take a look but after a minute we finally ask, “What is it?” You see, there are four handles on this thing each attached to a wire.

Alex says, “Y’all each just pick up a handle, it’s fun.” So I grab one handle and Melissa grabs another. We just stand there for a second and Melissa says, “Ok, now what?” Alex explains to us that a light will begin to rotate around the base of this thing and we are to pull the trigger to see who can capture the light first. It sounds easy enough, so we indulge him a little. We both watch this light go round and round, when I think I got it, I pull the trigger. Then it happens!

I black out for a second but I am still standing when I come to. I feel this surge of electricity flowing through my body. I can’t speak, my body tenses up and my muscles contract causing my hand to grip the handle tighter so I can’t let go of it even though I want to throw it on the ground! Melissa is looking at me like I have lost my mind, Alex is laughing so hard he is crying and I think he is about to pass out. (If he doesn’t pass out, I plan to help him when this dang thing decides to let go of me.)

Below my belt I feel a warm sensation. I’m not quite sure if it’s just the electric current or if I have peed my pants… I’m afraid to look. Alex reaches over and hits a button and it finally turns me lose. Now Melissa is laughing at me because she realizes what is happening but she has not figured out that she should have let her handle go.

Alex changes the default button to her handle. (That’s my boy. You’re off the hook son.)

Melissa’s eyes cross, her laughing suddenly comes to a screeching halt as she feeling the “love.” Alex starts to hit the button to turn it off and I say “Not yet son, she’s enjoying this.” Slobber has officially found its way to her chin and I give him the signal to shut it off. I looked at Alex and say “Son, you better go.” He takes off down the aisle as Melissa yells “R-r-r-run F-f-f-forest r-r-r-run!”

Good times. I tell ya what!