Constipation Of
The United States
by Dom
Macchiaroli
In the
beginnings of a large movement that will roil the
waters in America for days to come, California
officially changed its name to
“Constipation” in what local officials
are calling “a new name for the state.”
The new state motto will be “The Plugged-Up
State.” The new state seal will show an
unused toilet, a supersized roll of bathroom
tissue, and a picture of Sean Penn looking
ecologically serious. These actions are only the
most recent example of how constipation is making
a comeback, politically and metaphorically en los
Estados Unidos.
Constipation
is caused by many factors, whether they be
hormonal, dietary, anatomical or simply from
watching too many reruns of David
Letterman’s show. Laxatives and exercise can
relieve the symptoms and clear things out, so
have hope people!
Despite the
claims of media pundits and writers, constipation
is alive and well in America. Our culture tells
us so. Michael Moore has been constipated, and
really looks it, since he was born 1954. The
current state of the Republican Party in America
might be best defined lately as one of intense
and incoherent constipation. And that’s
being generous.
There is
something called the “Bristol Stool
Chart” which I am sure the people of Bristol
are all very proud of. This chart describes the
various conditions of ‘stools’ and
whether that condition is indicative of something
more seriously wrong inside. I would highly
recommend not posting this very visual and
colorfully graphic chart anywhere near a kitchen.
The diagrams, also available in 3-D, describe the
levels of ‘urgency’ one may experience
when the need to utilize the services of a
restroom arise, due to constipatory factors.
Pretend for a
moment that you are on an airplane, traveling on
holiday from Flagstaff to Lisbon. You realize
that all the refreshments the friendly airline
hostettes will give you on this epic journey will
be exactly two stale cardboard wafers and a
thimble of tepid salt water. You decide in your
wisdom to enjoy a liver and chorizo burro before
the flight. However, unknown to you, the person
making your burrito is a serial jokester and
thought it would be HILARIOUS to put a generous
quantity of Ex-Lax and expired bean dip in your
food.
Two hours
later, you’ve enjoyed the flight thus far; (including
the in-flight film “Logan’s Runs”)
but you suddenly begin experiencing
gastrointestinal tremors equal to a rating of 5.2
points on the Richter scale in your lower bowel.
Within ten seconds, you are questioning every
culinary decision you have ever made and are
praying more fervently than you have ever prayed
in your life that the 380 pound man next to you
will wake up soon so you can race to the lavatory
and enjoy a truly epic explosion of ‘Ten
Commandments-type’ magnitude. Incidentally,
this has never happened to me, but it happens to
some of you every day, admit it.
As if
constipation isn’t definitively bad enough,
there is an even worse condition of obscene
constipation known as ‘obstipation’. I
refuse to even look at the definition, let alone
pass it on to you. Look it up yourself if
you’re that interested. Suffice to say, the
only treatment for such a condition is for one to
quickly ingest a series of hand grenades or
Bosnian land mines to loosen things up.
I know this
was some uncomfortable reading, but somebody had
to talk about it. Enjoy the rest of your day. As
for me, time to get something to eat.
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