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Constipation Of The United States
by Dom Macchiaroli

In the beginnings of a large movement that will roil the waters in America for days to come, California officially changed its name to “Constipation” in what local officials are calling “a new name for the state.” The new state motto will be “The Plugged-Up State.” The new state seal will show an unused toilet, a supersized roll of bathroom tissue, and a picture of Sean Penn looking ecologically serious. These actions are only the most recent example of how constipation is making a comeback, politically and metaphorically en los Estados Unidos.

Constipation is caused by many factors, whether they be hormonal, dietary, anatomical or simply from watching too many reruns of David Letterman’s show. Laxatives and exercise can relieve the symptoms and clear things out, so have hope people!

Despite the claims of media pundits and writers, constipation is alive and well in America. Our culture tells us so. Michael Moore has been constipated, and really looks it, since he was born 1954. The current state of the Republican Party in America might be best defined lately as one of intense and incoherent constipation. And that’s being generous.

There is something called the “Bristol Stool Chart” which I am sure the people of Bristol are all very proud of. This chart describes the various conditions of ‘stools’ and whether that condition is indicative of something more seriously wrong inside. I would highly recommend not posting this very visual and colorfully graphic chart anywhere near a kitchen. The diagrams, also available in 3-D, describe the levels of ‘urgency’ one may experience when the need to utilize the services of a restroom arise, due to constipatory factors.

Pretend for a moment that you are on an airplane, traveling on holiday from Flagstaff to Lisbon. You realize that all the refreshments the friendly airline hostettes will give you on this epic journey will be exactly two stale cardboard wafers and a thimble of tepid salt water. You decide in your wisdom to enjoy a liver and chorizo burro before the flight. However, unknown to you, the person making your burrito is a serial jokester and thought it would be HILARIOUS to put a generous quantity of Ex-Lax and expired bean dip in your food.

Two hours later, you’ve enjoyed the flight thus far; (including the in-flight film “Logan’s Runs”) but you suddenly begin experiencing gastrointestinal tremors equal to a rating of 5.2 points on the Richter scale in your lower bowel. Within ten seconds, you are questioning every culinary decision you have ever made and are praying more fervently than you have ever prayed in your life that the 380 pound man next to you will wake up soon so you can race to the lavatory and enjoy a truly epic explosion of ‘Ten Commandments-type’ magnitude. Incidentally, this has never happened to me, but it happens to some of you every day, admit it.

As if constipation isn’t definitively bad enough, there is an even worse condition of obscene constipation known as ‘obstipation’. I refuse to even look at the definition, let alone pass it on to you. Look it up yourself if you’re that interested. Suffice to say, the only treatment for such a condition is for one to quickly ingest a series of hand grenades or Bosnian land mines to loosen things up.

I know this was some uncomfortable reading, but somebody had to talk about it. Enjoy the rest of your day. As for me, time to get something to eat.