Chocolate
Superpowers
by Peter Howard
Chocolate is
now well known to give you super powers. That and
Nuclear spills.
Early on in
the development of superpowers, scientists
learned from the wisdom of fictional drawings
known as 'Comics.' These early efforts all went
wrong, and the experiments rendered nothing more
then deformed fish, three headed bears and the
occasional grumpy octopus.
Later it was
discovered that the reasons for this failure
stemmed from the scientific mistake of ignoring
the context. They went back to the original
sources and found that every recorded fictional
event of super powers developing from nuclear
exposure was accidental.
Henceorth all
controlled experiments with nuclear stock waste
were canceled and scientist instead loaded up
huge amounts of unstable nuclear material into
very flimsily containers, and drove.
For years the
country was wrapped with attention and fear as
they watched wild eyed scientists (driven
somewhat mad by exposure from the thin tanks in
the bank) who roamed the country side looking for
tight curves, wet roads and banana peel.
Unfortunately,
the difficulty of finding the right driving
conditions and an unknowing 'subject' to expose
proved difficult. Everybody knew who the
scientists were - they had seen the three headed
bear which did not seem to have a very good time
of it at all - and whenever the scientists came
close to town people stayed away.
The whole
issue of real superpowers nearly fell like a
three eyed dodo on an English sailing vessel
until a frustrated scientist finally had enough
and plowed his truck into the side of a mountain.
Some say he
was trying to commit suicide, others say he fell
asleep but fate or accident the fact remained
that the lazy eyed farm boy who came upon the
crashed truck and leapt to the rescue of the mad
scientist (he was very angry by now) became the
first superhero.
This was how
Farm Boy came into being. With his super powers
of field mowing in a single tractor pull and crop
harvesting with a single sweep of his huge arm he
became a one man agricultural machine, single-handedly
solving world hunger and answering the age old
question of how people could live in the country
and not get woken up by tractors at odd hours in
the morning.
Of course,
after further research, we now know that large
quantities of chocolate have much the same affect.
And (since this approach is both a) much safer
and tastier, and b) requires a lot less drain on
the limited supply of wild eyed scientists) it is
now the preferable way to obtain super powers.
Farm Boy is now somewhat out of date.
The gender
divide of this new outbreak of superpowers has
led to its own fascinating and deeply insane
consequences. For more see our article ‘Does
this boy have nothing better to do?’ located
on our blog, ‘I should be working but heck
who wants to do that.com.’
Thank you and
good night.
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