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World's Oldest Shrew - er, Shoe
by Walt Giersbach

Archaeologists have discovered what they say is the world’s oldest known leather shoe. Perfectly preserved under layers of sheep dung, the shoe…is about 5,000 years old. While the shoe more closely resembles an L.L. Bean-type soft-soled walking shoe than anything by Jimmy Choo, “these were probably quite expensive shoes, made of leather, very high quality. Along with the shoe, the cave [in Armenia] yielded evidence of an ancient wine-making operation.” –New York Times, June 9, 2010

If it hadn’t been for my wife’s damn shoe, a whole lot of things might have been different. Take the wheel. That was my idea. A wheel—two, actually—would’ve let my wife roll over to the neighbors in style. Or the idea of actually riding on those animals—horses, or whatever. Those were my ideas, but oh, no, my wife wanted me to be a hunter. Every day, it was, “Get out of bed and kill something for dinner! I’m tired of having you hang around the cave.”

I’d just come up with a perfect red wine—an unassuming pre-prandial with hints of blackberries and cinnamon. I was testing it when my wife walked out on me. “Always with a drink in your hand! I’ve had it,” she shouted. “I’m taking the litter of children and going to my mother’s.”

I begged her, even suggested vacationing at the caves in Lascaux might repair our marriage. “While I’m gone,” she snarled, “you could at least clean up the cave. I’m sick of all the sheep dung you’re saving.”

I tried again to explain how I was going to corner the methane market and we’d all be rich, but she rode roughshod over my explanation. Her last words were, “You find my new leather shoe in this pigsty and I’ll consider coming back.”

Women! What’s a guy to do? I promised myself I’d get right on it, as soon as I got the wine perfected, the wheel invented and caught that whatchamacallit, horse.