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Winston God
by Michael S. Collins

Winston God, the enlightened MP, storyteller, explorer and dictator, who has died aged 62, won the heart of the nation with his wonderful use of word play and life defining speeches. In the three decades of which he was a public figure, his admirers include Popes and Kings, and he was responsible for the ending of a civil war and the starting of another. King Alonso of France was a defining influence on the man’s early life.

His Russian-Jewish parents died young, leaving a lone God to fend for himself in the shipyards of Govan. Here, after almost being killed by a stray horse, he swung a worker’s revolt in the favour of the employers and found himself on the dole. This lead to the unfortunate “Knightswood Incident” and the ramifications of that were far and wide. Blame was never laid at the feet of the young God, far from it, but the deaths in the fires of Yokerhill would remain a talking point for years.

After a few years as a writer of poetry, and a disastrous (but swiftly changed through propaganda to a tactical retreat) attempt to explore the lower basin of the tropical Rhine, Winston became MP of Knightswood West in controversial circumstances, and this led to his shock appointment to the Cabinet after the tragic death of former Foreign Secretary Gareth McCafferty.

By this time the final moves of chess in the interminable Britain-France war were being played out, and here the swiftly adapting politician was responsible for the ending of the bloodshed, getting the French to surrender, reminding them that “this is what they always do.”

A national hero, he swiftly declared the Prime Minister a traitor and had him beheaded at the Tower. Before anyone could gasp or work out what had happened, Winston God had declared himself Royal Dictator of Britain. His writing continued, only know it became compulsory reading.

Protests were swiftly defeated, the banks of Blackfriars coated with the blood of innocents. As good as he was at bringing peace, God was just that little bit better at strife.

Having decided that peace had become boring and passe, God began to annoy the hell out of surrounding countries, proclaiming Britain forever more the head of the Empire of Europe. The European Civil War followed, the bloodiest in known history, and at its climax Winston God was defeated, destroyed and discredited in a Suiss jail. Never lost for words, God noted, “The only man ever defeated by a Suiss/French army. Think of the shame!”

The characteristics of his death will bring few tears but more questions. Murder has not been ruled out. But Winston God, the most influential man of all of our lifetimes, has died in his civil cell in Rennes. He is survived by his son, Winston Again, who carries the name of God into new, unchartered territory.

Winston God, dictator, MP and storyteller, born March 22nd 1945, died April 16th 2007.

(Editor’s note: A greatest hits collection of the poetry of Winston God is available in hardback from all booksellers still loyal to the cause. A ***** review will be in our next issue. Furthermore, we are also looking for a more loyal obituary writer for subsequent issues.)