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Who's To Blame?
by James A. Stewart

I have a mate called Boogie, he gets the blame for everything. His pals Moonlight and Sunshine get away with murder, but Boogie, well he's been blamed for everything from global warming to the price of electricity.

There was this one time when Sunshine burnt about one hundred people on Brighton beach, and who do you think the finger was pointed at? Boogie, of course. The press guy said, 'This is what happens when people are involved in all night Boogieing, they fall asleep on the beach and get burnt – they probably now have cancer, too.'

In fairness to Boogie he didn't make them dance all night. He facilitated it, that's all. Moonlight was there too, looking lovely and complete and with a big thoughtful look on her face. Did she get dragged into it? No, too right she didn't. She was only 'observing' and mulling over an upcoming appointment with the beautician during the next eclipse.

There was also another time when Boogie was dragged into a public scandal. His 'output was deafening the youth of today', according that bastion of impartiality, the BBC. Through the de'il's contraption, the iPod, the BBC said that Boogie was 'subjugating the nation's populace to his ware'; especially the most vulnerable and impressionable demographic, our youth'. There was all that funk, jazz, rock and disco being played. Every minute of every day someone was listening to Boogie. 'He has control and has to be stopped', they exclaimed in between bulletins on parking fines and heavy rain in the Home Counties.

If all of that wasn't bad enough, Good Times used Boogie like a cheap whore desperate for a hit. She had a whale of a time at Boogie's expense, singing and dancing the night away as Boogie was castigated for his rhythmic sound and its influence on Britain's youth.

Boogie was beaten up and knocked to the ground, proverbially and physically, and it all served to take the fight out of him. Angry Goths, Raucous Ravers and Plastic Rockers all chided poor boy Boogie into submission, now, alas, he lies at the bottom of a bargain pile yearning for the days of yore when the afro was king and flares weren't used only to attract help. Boogie looks back to those halcyon days the way people remember the size of Wagon Wheels, with much misty eyed reflection.

The easiest way for me to define how Boogie has lost his mojo is through music. In this age of mass media and consumption, with a funk and verve like Boogie in full swing the following band would never have happened, but they did. Who are they you ask? Nickelback.

And it's our fault.