Tidings of Great
know its June and Im late getting
back to everyone of you whore wondering
where my Christmas cards are, but thereve
been a few problems with the greeting. I had to
run it by my lawyer (you know how lawyers can get
if they feel neglected), and there were a few
other thoughts Ill try to boil down before
it gets too late.
This was my
first shot at a greeting: PEACE ON EARTH,
GOODWILL TOWARD MEN
like a safe, all-encompassing swinging message,
but I had to take a closer look at the semantics.
PEACE, for example; does it mean be
quiet or shut up? (You can
imagine how thatd go over with the
Conservatives, if they havent all gone
looking for asylum.) Then theres that word
EARTH. My neighbor Eddie asked if it applies to
people in airplanes and to Ruthie whos on a
Caribbean cruise. My lawyer also e-mailed me just
now with a point about GOOD WILL. He thinks
Ill need a disclaimer from this
organization, or else add the Salvation Army.
Then, finally, theres the word MEN. You
know what Im trying to say, but will women
friends get all hissy and pouty and feel excluded?
And kids, I think I need something about minors
because theyre future voters and consumers.
I bounced the
message off my wife last night, and she asked if
this was a free offer. Obviously, it didnt
scan with her. The Federal Trade Commission is
going to wake up under Obama, too, so maybe I
need a line saying Offer ends June 30, 2009.
In the interest of good grammar, she also
suggested I drop the comma and add the word AND.
off from this whole business of greeting cards, I
wonder if it might be better just to send off
subscriptions to Readers Digest. Anybody
know if theyre still in business? In the
meantime, Id wish everyone a Happy New Year,
but Ive been advised theres a mess of
liability issues in HAPPY and NEW. You understand.