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Three Recipes
by M. J. Nicholls

Boil in the bag underpants. To prepare: remove packaging. Place the underpants on pre-heated genitalia for up to one hour. Drain sweat, urine and semen in sink. Serve with garnish.

Oh, Frederick! These are delicious! To munch on your luncheon is truly divine. Why, you are a talented swine. Tell me, Fredrick… those oven-ready bras we were talking about… finished? I mean, Frederick, I hate to bate the fête, but you did promise me them two weeks ago. Never mind. Pour the Beaujolais and toast to another day. Fabuloso!

Oven-ready bras. To prepare: remove padding. Pre-heat the oven to 200°C. Place the bra face up on a baking tray for 35 mins. Turn over and cook for another 10 mins. Serves two.

Oh, Fredrick! What a rotten idea! To nibble your kibble is utterly hideous. Why, you have most certainly lost it this time! I have no choice but to demote you to booger boy or snot stevedore. No, I mustn’t! Oh, remember those waffle-iron gloves, those toaster socks, those barbecue clickers! One more chance, Frederick. One more. It better be fabuloso!

Sautéed dungarees. To prepare: leave dungarees on a barbecue overnight. Coat in gasoline and oil. Optional: get into the dungarees first. Sauté for an hour until golden black. Serves the undertaker.

Oh, you swine! You have killed me! You have served what I deserved. Let these final words bring me revenge, deliver me from thine terror! To think I trusted you, despite the company spite! Let the days of our acquaintance wither into dust with the passing of time, the jellying of destiny, the custarding of the Lord’s succour. Most unfabuloso!