The Webster
Letters
by Dietrich
Kalteis
Dear Mr.
Webster:
Let me start
by saying it is certainly not my intent to appear brazen,
or to burden you, rather to humbly draw your
attention, purely out of duty, to a grave
and considerable error I found in your ninth edition.
Although I do not recall why I delved into my
volume, that is to say it is of no
consequence which definition I was seeking, it
was purely by chance that I came upon the
word ‘foreplay’, which is defined
as such: (1929): erotic stimulation preceding
sexual intercourse. This is quite wrong.
Now, I concede
the word may have had an assigned function in our
language system as far back as 1929, but like
other archaisms or dodos of our language from the
horse-and-buggy days like betwixt, forsooth and
fluey, it just doesn’t mean anything anymore.
Although I
most certainly do not profess myself to be a
language maven, I have been engaged in four
marriages, serving fourteen years, consequently,
I assure you that revision is in order. May I
suggest that the meaning might read
something like this: erotic stimulation preceding
sexual intercourse preceding marriage and other
forms of cohabitation between the sexes.
Let me
conclude that I hope you do not see me as a wet
blanket, but merely as someone who
appreciates the accuracy of your fine editions and
all the help they provided during the years I was
harassed by education.
Yours truly,
Name withheld
*****************************************************************
Dear N.
Withheld:
Firstly, allow
me to extend my gratitude for your letter of
April 12, 09. Foreplay is wrong (by
definition). Bless your heart for coming forward;
you are quite correct. Foreplay needs to be
amended. Let me say it is a herculean task
to bring about the revision and reprinting of
our dictionaries, not as a justification, just to
clarify.
Forthwith, the
next printing shall see the word foreplay defined thusly:
Foreplay (1929):
1a) erotic stimulation having once preceded sexual
intercourse.
1b) the date indicates the earliest unit of meaning
when foreplay can be linked to sexual intercourse.
1c) Nonexistent where related to present day
coition replacing all transitive forms.
I have also
taken the liberty (out of professional courtesy)
to inform the good people at Oxford’s.
They have in turn informed me that they have
deleted the word entirely from their future
editions.
In closing, I
apologize for any inconvenience suffered by this
inaccuracy.
Yours truly,
N. Webster
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