The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

There Was Once A Large Fluffy Armadillo Called Phil
by Dan Gee

There was once a large fluffy Armadillo called Phil who lived in the forest. He was a very sad Armadillo; he had no friends, no house and no face. Not having a face made life very hard for the Armadillo, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t see and he couldn’t eat (in the conventional sense anyway). He prayed to Allah every night that one day he may be given a face, not necessarily a nice one, he’d even settle for Carlos Tevez’s. He just wanted a face.

The sad thing is that Phil used to have a face, but when he was younger, he watched the film ‘Face/Off’ with his best mate at the time, the legendary wrestler, Stone Cold Steve Austin. The problem was that Phil was incredibly impressionable, even more so than a piece of clay or Rory Bremner. He watched ‘Face/Off’ and demanded that he and Stone Cold replicated it. Steve wasn’t entirely happy about re-enacting the surgical procedure and procrastinated in doing so for several weeks. But after he had ran out of excuses and been to 8 nights of Phil Collins concerts just to hide from Phil! It was time.

Due to the Inter Armadillo-Human Censorship Act passed in 1607 I am forbidden to go into graphic detail, but basically, Steve got a piece of broken glass and lashed at Phil’s face. The face came off fine with no complications, but Phil had forgotten one thing, he didn’t know any other Armadillos and he didn’t have face to put on! Quickly Steve tried to put Phil’s face back on, but Phil wouldn’t let him. Phil lashed out shouting, “Gnaaaraaaaaaaaaraaararaaa ho ho ho ho ho ho!” which translated into English means, “OOO isn’t the weather nice, I really fancy a Cornetto.” (By now you may well have guessed that Phil is not the “sharpest tool in the box” in fact he is more blunt than a piece of cheese…that’s been melted…and eaten…and excreted…in diarrhoea form.) Phil’s undying thirst for a Cornetto had jeopardised the safety of his face. Steve was getting more panicky and he soon when into catatonic shock. Phil didn’t know this as he could no longer see. So he sat there, his face becoming a huge scab and Steve lying on the floor.

Several hours, sorry days, past before Phil realised something was wrong. He said quietly, “Steve?”, but Stone Cold gave no reply, he asked again, “Steve!?” But still no reply. He kicked Steve and still nothing happened. Phil started to panic and made strange Chewbacca like noises. “Gnaroodepooyloohoho AARGGGHHH LOLO Flange!” which translated means “Ouch my foot that big bold bastard is made out of stone aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I have no face.” It was true, Steve was made out of stone (hence the reason he is called “Stone Cold”), he was made of a special type of stone, wood.

So as Steve lay on the floor, probably dead, Phil jumped around panicking like a pogo stick on speed, crashing and smashing everything around him. In the commotion he smashed a bottle of Kerosene, and then he leant on a gas tap turning it on. Gas filled the room and Phil could hardly breathe. Without a face he couldn’t see where he was going. For some reason the gas was increasing the rate of his scabbery and soon his mouth was covered in scab. He couldn’t speak. For some reason he could steal breathe, but he couldn’t speak. He ran around like a freshly decapitated chicken and in the kafuffle, knocked over a bottle of Brandy, a bucket full of oily rags and a highly flammable porcelain figurine of James Brown (RIP). The oil made the floor slippery, Phil fell over and as he stretched his arm out to stop his fall, he flicked the light switch on! BOOM! Up went the room. The spark from the switch combined with the gas caused an explosion equivalent to that of a T-Rex who has just eaten 59 Chicken Vindaloos and stuck a lighter next to his arse! Needless to say, Steve went up in flames, being made of wood he never stood a chance. Phil was fine, his Armadillo shell and extra fluffiness made him impervious to fire. He probably could have saved Steve, but he couldn’t see and he really wanted that Cornetto.

Sad and alone, Phil wandered the streets, no direction, he just wandered. People pushed him, people laughed; people even poked him in the face with sticks. The Phil I knew and loved was dead. The sadness and depression quickly turned to anger and this started a new breed of terror.

Every night from then on, Phil would run around with a large pitchfork shouting “Eid Eid Eid Gnaar WOO Loopeydoo Hello Dave!!!” Which translated is “Kill Kill Kill GIVE ME CORNETTO, Hello Dave.” He massacred anything that came with four cubic metres of him, poking them, well more stabbing them in the face, like they had done to him. Occasionally, when he found a Cornetto he would sit down and ‘eat’ it (as I said, not in the conventional sense) but that would soon be followed by the mastication of Magnums; his enemy, for it was the Magnum who killed his parents. Not having a face meant that he could no longer see his enemy so he was no longer fearful of their power. Every year they would transform into some new type of Magnum, a new evil, a new way of killing what fluffy Armadillos there were left. It was Phil’s mission to kill the Magnums, but he had gone made with wretchedness and had taken out his aggression on the humans.

After weeks and months of slaughtering, people started to understandably get a bit fed up. They didn’t know what to do; fluffy Armadillos are flame retardant, nuclear bomb proof and can even withstand the evil ness that is PHIL COLLINS! This was the chance for the Magnums to initiate their devious plan. They would rid the people of poor Phil. And they did. Now they are seen as heroes, the Cornettos who Phil represented don’t get a look in. They are now shoved to the back of the fridge, waiting for the chance of freedom, a chance to be taken out of their clothing and take the mythical journey down the digestive system of a human. The Magnums rule now and there is nothing Phil can do about it.

So there he sat, sad and alone. Still praying to Allah and still trying to find a way to get rid of the curse of the Magnum. One day he would, and on that day he would be one that is seen as a hero, he would be the one who can get a face transplant and he will be the one who will eat a massive Cornetto. The Magnums may have won the battle, but they haven’t won the war!