There Was Once A
Large Fluffy Armadillo Called Phil
by Dan Gee
There was once
a large fluffy Armadillo called Phil who lived in
the forest. He was a very sad Armadillo; he had
no friends, no house and no face. Not having a
face made life very hard for the Armadillo, he
couldn’t speak, he couldn’t see and he
couldn’t eat (in the conventional sense
anyway). He prayed to Allah every night that one
day he may be given a face, not necessarily a
nice one, he’d even settle for Carlos
Tevez’s. He just wanted a face.
The sad thing
is that Phil used to have a face, but when he was
younger, he watched the film ‘Face/Off’
with his best mate at the time, the legendary
wrestler, Stone Cold Steve Austin. The problem
was that Phil was incredibly impressionable, even
more so than a piece of clay or Rory Bremner. He
watched ‘Face/Off’ and demanded that he
and Stone Cold replicated it. Steve wasn’t
entirely happy about re-enacting the surgical
procedure and procrastinated in doing so for
several weeks. But after he had ran out of
excuses and been to 8 nights of Phil Collins
concerts just to hide from Phil! It was time.
Due to the
Inter Armadillo-Human Censorship Act passed in
1607 I am forbidden to go into graphic detail,
but basically, Steve got a piece of broken glass
and lashed at Phil’s face. The face came off
fine with no complications, but Phil had
forgotten one thing, he didn’t know any
other Armadillos and he didn’t have face to
put on! Quickly Steve tried to put Phil’s
face back on, but Phil wouldn’t let him.
Phil lashed out shouting,
“Gnaaaraaaaaaaaaraaararaaa ho ho ho ho ho ho!”
which translated into English means, “OOO
isn’t the weather nice, I really fancy a
Cornetto.” (By now you may well have guessed
that Phil is not the “sharpest tool in the
box” in fact he is more blunt than a piece
of cheese…that’s been melted…and
eaten…and excreted…in diarrhoea form.)
Phil’s undying thirst for a Cornetto had
jeopardised the safety of his face. Steve was
getting more panicky and he soon when into
catatonic shock. Phil didn’t know this as he
could no longer see. So he sat there, his face
becoming a huge scab and Steve lying on the floor.
Several hours,
sorry days, past before Phil realised something
was wrong. He said quietly, “Steve?”,
but Stone Cold gave no reply, he asked again,
“Steve!?” But still no reply. He kicked
Steve and still nothing happened. Phil started to
panic and made strange Chewbacca like noises.
“Gnaroodepooyloohoho AARGGGHHH LOLO Flange!”
which translated means “Ouch my foot that
big bold bastard is made out of stone
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I have no face.” It
was true, Steve was made out of stone (hence the
reason he is called “Stone Cold”), he
was made of a special type of stone, wood.
So as Steve
lay on the floor, probably dead, Phil jumped
around panicking like a pogo stick on speed,
crashing and smashing everything around him. In
the commotion he smashed a bottle of Kerosene,
and then he leant on a gas tap turning it on. Gas
filled the room and Phil could hardly breathe.
Without a face he couldn’t see where he was
going. For some reason the gas was increasing the
rate of his scabbery and soon his mouth was
covered in scab. He couldn’t speak. For some
reason he could steal breathe, but he
couldn’t speak. He ran around like a freshly
decapitated chicken and in the kafuffle, knocked
over a bottle of Brandy, a bucket full of oily
rags and a highly flammable porcelain figurine of
James Brown (RIP). The oil made the floor
slippery, Phil fell over and as he stretched his
arm out to stop his fall, he flicked the light
switch on! BOOM! Up went the room. The spark from
the switch combined with the gas caused an
explosion equivalent to that of a T-Rex who has
just eaten 59 Chicken Vindaloos and stuck a
lighter next to his arse! Needless to say, Steve
went up in flames, being made of wood he never
stood a chance. Phil was fine, his Armadillo
shell and extra fluffiness made him impervious to
fire. He probably could have saved Steve, but he
couldn’t see and he really wanted that
Cornetto.
Sad and alone,
Phil wandered the streets, no direction, he just
wandered. People pushed him, people laughed;
people even poked him in the face with sticks.
The Phil I knew and loved was dead. The sadness
and depression quickly turned to anger and this
started a new breed of terror.
Every night
from then on, Phil would run around with a large
pitchfork shouting “Eid Eid Eid Gnaar WOO
Loopeydoo Hello Dave!!!” Which translated is
“Kill Kill Kill GIVE ME CORNETTO, Hello Dave.”
He massacred anything that came with four cubic
metres of him, poking them, well more stabbing
them in the face, like they had done to him.
Occasionally, when he found a Cornetto he would
sit down and ‘eat’ it (as I said, not
in the conventional sense) but that would soon be
followed by the mastication of Magnums; his enemy,
for it was the Magnum who killed his parents. Not
having a face meant that he could no longer see
his enemy so he was no longer fearful of their
power. Every year they would transform into some
new type of Magnum, a new evil, a new way of
killing what fluffy Armadillos there were left.
It was Phil’s mission to kill the Magnums,
but he had gone made with wretchedness and had
taken out his aggression on the humans.
After weeks
and months of slaughtering, people started to
understandably get a bit fed up. They didn’t
know what to do; fluffy Armadillos are flame
retardant, nuclear bomb proof and can even
withstand the evil ness that is PHIL COLLINS!
This was the chance for the Magnums to initiate
their devious plan. They would rid the people of
poor Phil. And they did. Now they are seen as
heroes, the Cornettos who Phil represented
don’t get a look in. They are now shoved to
the back of the fridge, waiting for the chance of
freedom, a chance to be taken out of their
clothing and take the mythical journey down the
digestive system of a human. The Magnums rule now
and there is nothing Phil can do about it.
So there he
sat, sad and alone. Still praying to Allah and
still trying to find a way to get rid of the
curse of the Magnum. One day he would, and on
that day he would be one that is seen as a hero,
he would be the one who can get a face transplant
and he will be the one who will eat a massive
Cornetto. The Magnums may have won the battle,
but they haven’t won the war!
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