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The Nine Lives of a Cat
by Nathaniel Tower

Contrary to popular belief and wisdom that suggests that superstitions and clichés have no stock in them, cats actually do have nine lives. Which means, more importantly, that they have nine deaths.

Some people will tell you they have seen cats die and not come back to life. This, of course, is true. Those individuals clearly saw that cat's ninth and final death. Of course the cat didn't come back to life. Cat experts know it is true, but what they don't tell you is that the cat actually gets stronger after each death.

Nietzsche may have been correct when he told us that what does not kill us only makes us stronger, but what he forgot to say was that which does kill us makes us even stronger than that which does not kill us. For humans, this principle doesn't work so well because we only have one life, but cats have nine. Just imagine how fucking strong a cat must be by its ninth life. I, for one, having spent many years living around cats--or were they living around me--don't need to imagine.

I once engaged in an epic battle with one of those ferocious creatures. It began when I ran over him with my car. By the time I parked the car and started to walk into my house, the feline had regenerated, his blood stain and matted fur still clinging to the asphalt as he approached me with his yellow eyes. My first reaction was actually to laugh at the cat, but it only took a few sticky steps before I knew he meant business. Imagine how strong that cat was after being run over by a car. My baseball bat did nothing. My 9mm did though. Unfortunately, that was not the cat's ninth death either. Even more unfortunate, a 9mm was the strongest thing I had.