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The Night of the Nearly-Dead
by Dan Gee

The night was as black as the lungs of an eighty year old chain smoker and had the stench of evil only equalled by the abhorrent mess of Alexandra Burke’s “Halleljuah”. Owls were hooting a song that sounded quite charming, but it could only act as a contrast to the sounds of slow stomping feet, swinging handbags and clicking Zimmer frames. Welcome to the night of the nearly dead.

Earlier in the day nurse Dell-Rye, a kind young voluptuous nurse had done all her work, i.e. wiping the bums of vegetable like old people and telling off Mrs Burbury for trying to escape the confines of the nursing home. But, just as she was trying to get into the car to leave, something struck her in the back of the head; it was Mrs Eastman donning a bowl of steaming hot porridge that created quite a force as a striking object. Whether it was desired or not, the poor nurse’s face melted under the heat of the ready break and she became part of the gravel on which she had once stood. As her face dissolved and eyes began to boil she felt the stomp of walking sticks around her, heard the screams of disturbed work colleagues and could smell that old person’s, urine soaked, faeces tinted odour lurking around her scorching ears.

Darkness soon came over the land, like a big electric blanket, and soon you could hear the screams of scared passers-by not only because they were very hungry and the shop was closed, due to it being a Sunday and everywhere is shut on Sundays as its Sunday, but also because there was a group of marauding old people intent on killing and eating anyone they saw.

Dogs howled, until they were told to stop by Mr Davies, children cried until they were slapped around the head by Mrs Davidson and teenagers ran away too fast for any old person to do anything. Soon the moon rose, slow like the hand of Doris as she reaches to get her pickled eggs from the top shelf. Scorning down upon the land it seemed to call to them to kill, their blood soaked false teeth dimly glistening under the light of the lamps. But, just as the moon told its army of his plans, they realised that Emmerdale was about to start so went back home.