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The Lemur Crime
by Michael S. Collins

There was a tragic story in the news the other day. You may have seen it yourself. A man is said to be critically ill in hospital after he was attacked, late at night and with no recourse, by a savage gang of ring tailed lemurs. 

The lemurs were said to be at the foot of his garden when, curiosity rearing it's ugly head, the man, who wishes to remain nameless, bent down to pet one. This lemur grabbed his arm, dislocating his shoulder in the process, and twisted him onto his back, bruising his spinal column. Then they all laughed menacingly, in the way only evil ring tailed lemurs can. The poor man was found by his gang leader, who managed to step over the evil lemurs and drag his friend away to safety. The creatures did not go after them, merely stood and watched the scene. Wither this be through a malicious enjoyment of the act perpetuated, or a gazing innocence at the crime committed, one does not know. But it can be assumed that they knew what they were in for.

The man at the heart of this tragic case may well recover in time. He will be released from hospital this evening. But what of these reckless lemurs, these jaywalking prosimians that caused his troubles. Why, they could be sauntering down your street this very minute, tails in the air in triumph, their evil eyes glancing quizzically at you, begging the question: do you feel lucky, punk? The police advice is that nobody should feel lucky in the slightest, and that the public should avoid these lemurs, since they are incredibly dangerous.

This is not the first case of ring tailed lemur crime in this city in recent months. Every honest and hard working citizen will remember the horror when the ring tailed lemurs coerced that young toddler to throw stones down at the football players from Hampden Park stadium. 

Some have placed the blame on the nameless man, saying that lemurs are in fact a scared but otherwise friendly species, and that this muscle head probably scared them. The police do not believe in this line of thinking. Police say no blame can be placed on the man in question, as he clearly came under the influence of a bad bunch of ring tailed lemurs.