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Sex And The White House
by Garrett Socol

Now that George Bush and his strait-laced posse are out of office, sex may be alive and well in the White House once again. For eight years, if America’s ex-president was feeling frisky at midnight, First Lady Laura probably whispered, “No honey, the Secret Service are right outside the door.”

Michelle and Barack Obama, on the other hand, appear to be a lively, active young couple. If Michelle were to be concerned about those Secret Service men, it’s not out of the question that her husband might respond, “Do you want to invite them in?”

I don’t mean to suggest that the president and his wife are wild, warped or unconventionally kinky. I don’t mean to suggest they’ll turn the White House lawn into a clothing-optional picnic area. By all accounts, they possess rock solid values. Still, the notion of sex in the White House seems downright wrong, like guzzling Grey Goose at an AA meeting or conducting a prayer service at the Playboy Mansion. Of course it shouldn’t be this way, but neither should Phil Spector’s hair. 

The Obamas are two of the more attractive White House residents in recent memory. In the 1950s, people didn't spend much time considering the carnal activities of Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower. Ditto for Lyndon Johnson and his First Lady ‘Lady Bird’ in the 1960s. It was likely both couples believed sex existed solely for the purpose of procreation within the bounds of matrimony (though with the Johnsons, a Stetson cowboy hat may’ve figured prominently). In contrast, the Kennedys were young and obscenely beautiful, and it was assumed they’d engage in White House hanky-panky. The Clintons were relatively young and attractive, and it was expected they too would make whoopee in White House (though not necessarily with each other).

Some people might feel it’s in poor taste to discuss the leader of the free world in this manner, but we’re living at a time when the governor of New York patronized a high-priced prostitution ring, the governor of New Jersey proudly came out of the closet, and Barbara Walters confessed to an affair with a married black Senator (even if the admission was a ploy to help sell her tawdry memoir). And of course, sexual shenanigans have always been alive and well throughout every corner of Europe.

According to some psychologists, the human male thinks about sex once every seven minutes. (That number changes to once every three minutes in France, Italy and the northern coast of Brazil.) The danger of copulation is that it adds to overpopulation, but there’s no denying it’s a recession-proof activity, therefore almost as popular as American Idol.