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Satanic Ritual Gone Bad
by Walt Giersbach

Sioux City, Iowa—An Iowa man has been found guilty of killing his two stepdaughters during a ritual from a satanic bible. Louis Harris, Jr., of Sioux City, was convicted Thursday on two counts of first degree murder carrying a mandatory sentence of life in prison. Harris told police he was performing “some strange ritual” that had gone bad. He practiced Satanism and the killings were part of that ritual.

All right, I can see why everyone’s peeved, but you have to understand things don’t always turn out perfect every time. Don’t tell me you’ve never lost your cell phone or accidentally left the stove on when you went out for a drink. And it wasn’t just “some kind of ritual,” like adding chocolate chips to the cookies. It’s got to be done right or why the heck do it in the first place? I was simply trying to figure out the ritual and forgot a few steps.

In fact, I got into the whole thing by accident. I was looking for Santa Claus and I found this book called “Sell Your Soul to Satan.” I admit I’m dyslexic. Dyslexia is a disabling condition, like the heartbreak of psoriasis. If you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic, you get someone who stays awake all night torturing himself over whether or not there’s a dog. That’s me.

All I was trying to do was knock on Santa’s door and ask for a little help. Is that so bad? To want some assistance when your house has been foreclosed and you’ve been fired and you owe the equivalent of the national debt to the bank? Honestly! Give me a break.

I got the pentagram part right, and the goat blood and herbs, but getting an eye of newt was impossible. Where the hell do you get a newt in Iowa?

Well, sure, I’m sorry about my ex-wife’s kids. I thought they’d enjoy taking a break from the TV and helping their step dad with a little ritual. The prosecutor got so pissy just because I was trying to cheer them up. I mean, it wasn’t that I intended to burn the house down, kill the kids and terrorize the neighbors.

So, just ease up a little. Oh, and I don’t recommend reading that book, “Sell Your Soul to Santa” or whatever. In fact, I think Amazon should give me back my money.