by Michael S.
Welcome to the
Strathbungo County Police Service. Under our new
bureaucratic streamlined system, every complaint
can be sorted by the touch of a button.
If you are
being murdered, raped or assassinated, press 1
If you are thinking of assassinating our glorious
leader, press 2 now.
If you have seen a bad bunch of ring tailed
lemurs, press 3 now.
If you need medical assistance, look up the
nearest operational ambulance from the A-Z
pamphlet in your nearest GP surgery by pressing 4
If you wish to confess to a crime, press 5 now.
It would make everything much easier.
If you do not wish to confess to a crime, press 6
now. We know you did it.
If you went out for a walk, press 7 now and our
police will take you away shortly.
If you are feeling low, friendly executions can
be arranged by pressing 8 now.
If you have a cat up a tree, press 9 now to get a
police tiger to eat it.
If you would rather the tree was blown up by
dynamite, press 10 now to receive the release
If there is a dragon, vampire or time lord in
your back garden patio, press 11 now.
If you witnessed a rape, murder or assassination,
press 12 now.
If your query is none of the above, you are a
problem to the state. We have traced this call
and would fill your house with gas, if only we
did not have to fill in all the paper work before
We hope you
enjoyed this service. Please press # now to add
the bill for £43.40 for the cost of this call.
Have a good day.