On the Robbing
by D C White
I burst into
the lobby of the bank and ran to the tellers
counter. Righty-o! I yelled,
This is a stickup!
There was a
replied the teller, It isnt.
This threw me
somewhat. Yes it is, I explained to
her, Please dont argue. Youre
breaking my concentration.
The girl fixed
me with a stare which seemed to indicate
shed had a long day. Do you even know
how to rob a bank? she asked.
around. Rather than cowering in fear the
customers and other staff were all watching me. Lovely,
I replied, as a matter of fact I do, and
Im doing it now. Please give me all the
This time, I
paused. What do you mean, or
sighed. Look, she explained, talking
slowly, I have to have a reason to give you
the money. You cant just walk in and demand
I scowled at
her, deflated. Well what would you suggest
To her credit,
she gave the matter some thought. Off the
top of my head, I should probably be in fear of
my life. Perhaps if you were physically
myself up to my full five foot, three inches.
not helping, she said, Did you bring
a weapon or something?
I struck my forehead with the heel of my hand.
Hurriedly I reached into my trouser pocket and
pulled out my gun. I was proud of my gun, which
Id designed especially to get through
airport metal detectors. It was a gun in disguise.
I waved it
about so that everyone could get a good look.
Behind the counter the girl appeared resolutely
un-terrified. Thats your weapon, is
it? she sighed.
right, I said, giving her my best Jimmy
Cagney impersonation, Now, hand over the
she informed me, Is a rubber duckie.
look like a rubber duck, I said to the room
at large, but it is in fact a .38 calibre
other one, said an anonymous voice from the
back of the crowd, its got bells on.
called another, prove it.
This put me in
a quandary. I could certainly prove it, but this
would empty the duck of its only bullet. Due to
its rubberised construction it took a while to
reload: about two hours. All in all, this
wasnt going well. I decided to make a
I said, Ill be off then.
The jeers as I
exited the lobby did little to cheer me up, but
already my mind was made up. All Id done, I
told myself, was bring the wrong weapon. I ran
back to the car, opened the boot, and pulled out
my semi-automatic loofah. This time, I
thought with a gleam in my eye, they
wont be laughing so hard.