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Oh Deer!
by Eric Miller

No one fit the profile of real deal farmers more than Buck and Bambi Dearborn. Each had been born and raised on a farm. When they were married, they bought a farm of their own. They were people of the earth, tuned in to Mother Nature, and bonded to all of God’s creatures, big and small.

However, when Buck and Bambi started their vineyard, this all changed, as all things always do. The deer took an exceptional liking to the trellised vines which they apparently believed were a gift served up just for them from God himself. After their first bite, they were hooked. It was an addiction to trellised tapas which could not be broken, no matter what Buck and Bambi said or did.

Buck and Bambi put up a noble fight, but ultimately they had to wave a red wine stained white towel in surrender. They sold the farm and retired to a suburban complex of paved streets, concrete sidewalks, and plastic bushes, trees, and flowers. But Mother Nature still knew how to pull at Buck and Bambi’s heartstrings, and soon they were planting organically authentic, non plastic, real deal stuff in the few scattered small patches of unpaved soil.

But no matter what they planted, even if the nursery tag claimed it was deer resistant, it was gobbled up within twenty four hours, even though Buck had spread anti-deer powder everywhere.

“I see deer hoofprints, although we have never seen deer nearby,” he observed sagely to his distraught wife.

Buck began sleeping on the front porch, in a rocking chair, with a hunting bow across his lap. He never saw or heard the deer, but every morning the new plantings had been chewed bare.

He started popping amphetamines to keep him awake. Soon, he saw seven deer walking toward him. Jutting his jaw forward and gritting his teeth, Buck rose from the rocker and aimed his bow. The deer stood still and stared at him. Buck stared back. He fired an arrow by one of the deer to scare it. The deer looked at the arrow on the ground and made a sound that Buck thought was similar to a mocking laugh. The seven deer moved closer to the deck. Buck waved his bow at them. They climbed the steps. It was then that Buck recognized them. They were the same seven deer who had terrorized his vineyard.

Buck ran into the house screaming.

“Bambi. It’s the seven same deer from the farm. They’re stalking us.”

“Now, now dear, Bambi purred. You’re over-reacting.”

“No I’m not. Come see.”

Bambi got up from the bed and followed Buck to the door.

“I don’t see any deer, dear, but I do believe they were here. They left you an offering on the deck, which I think is their way of giving you the finger. Come to the kitchen dear. I have a can of venison stew I can heat up, which I’m sure will make you feel much better.”