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Little Red Riding Wolf Goes for a Kebab
by Dan Gee

We had a Jolly time at the Leg and Truncheon and after I had managed to finish the traditional yard of Ale I decided to call it a night. I was walking home under the light of the moon and like any drunken person will tell you I suddenly wanted some takeaway food. I was consumed by a sudden urge to eat. It was like a plague infesting my brain; all I could think about was kebabs. But living in this humble little village opportunities to dine at such places are very rare. Being a wolf doesn’t help either because we are segregated (I have campaigned against this as I believe it to be racially unacceptable) and must use our own restaurants, toilets and many other facilities.

I decided that if I took the short cut through the forest of the damned then I would get home quicker and therefore be able to ring for a takeaway. I scampered along the forest floor as fast as my little legs could carry me and all I was thinking about was sweet, sweet kebab meat. I ran for a good couple of minutes and then I came to a little path and I heard a noise. It was the sound of a moped approaching at an annoyingly low speed. I stopped and waited to see what it was.

I don’t know if it was fate but the moped that was slowly approaching just happened to be a Wolfilopolos Gianokopilous’ Kebab house delivery moped. I waved it down and when the driver took off her helmet I was stunned. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, her hair was golden like the morning sun and her cheeks were red like the richest rose. Her eyes were matched in beauty only by her fantastic figure and stunning nose.

She opened her mouth and she said with both elegance and grace, “By eck me duck, what you doing stopping me at this wee hour you mappet?” I was bewildered to where she came from, it sounded a bit Scottish, a bit Northern, it had Cockney undertones and she also sounded like she came from the Leicester area. I listened to her ramble on for several minutes and wasn’t really paying much attention as all I could think about was beautiful kebab meat. Then she dropped a bombshell by saying in what now sounded like a Dudley accent, “I’m taking this delivery to Old Wolf Mc Haggis down the road.”

“Where is it, may I ask?” I replied, as a plan formulated in my head.

“Yeah course man, tis down thee road past all those trees and bush tings.” She told me in what now sounded like a Jamaican accent.

With that she said goodbye and off she went. My plan was simple get there, hide Old Wolf Mc Haggis in a cupboard (or something) and get the grub. I knew I could outpace that silly little bike as I was the under 19’s Wolf World 100m Champion so I could run quick if I wanted to. It must have been only a couple of minutes before I was there and I quickly rang the doorbell.

I heard the stupid old women squawk, “is that my kebab you were meant to be here thirty two seconds ago, where the hell have you been? And is that little red riding hood? I specifically asked for you?”

Softening my voice I said, “Sorry Madame there was a wee hold up in the forest. I can explain if you let me in.”

“Ok then dear just open it, it’s not locked.”

So in I went and as quick as a flash I jumped on her and shoved her into the cupboard under the stairs. I then slipped under the blanket that covered her and waited for little red riding hood to appear with my juicy kebab.

The wait seemed forever but in reality it was only eight minutes and seventeen seconds; I was so desperate for a kebab that I timed it. When the doorbell went, I had to soften my voice again, as I let the young girl in. She apologised several times for being late (not that I could understand much of it as he accent was changing so rapidly). She then stopped begging for forgiveness and with a tone of curiosity said, “By eck you got a big nozzle.”

“All the better for smelling you with my dear,” I replied.

“Ey calm down, your teeth are huge mate.”

“Ah you are from the Liverpool area I see, ah well they are good for eating kebab meat.”

“Yeah man and your arms are covered in hair and tings. And you got four of em man, tisnt right man”

“All the better for…stealing the kebab and running off in a hurry.”

 With that, I swiped the kebab from her hands and tried to run off. She then proceeded to attempt to stop me by holding a leg of mine. I then kicked to get away and in doing this she fell over banged her head on the coffee table. She had stopped breathing so in my drunken state I started giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation. I also rang the ambulance and as quick as a flash there it was. I managed to get her to start breathing which pleased the human ambulance drivers.

After this commotion I thought I could eat my kebab in peace and know that I had done a sort of good dead in saving the life of little red riding hood. But I was wrong, the old wolf woman had managed to get herself out and in her delirious state she went for the humans. I leapt into action and grabbed her by the tail. I then chucked her across the room and with that there was a mighty splash. She fell into the toilet and was immediately flushed into the sewers. She has never been seen again.

I thought I would get punished as I had been a bit of a drunken naughty wolf. But to my surprise, this was not to be! Not only did I get a medal for my so called ‘bravery’, but the fact I saved humans resulted in the end of racial segregation between wolfs and humans. We now live in perfect harmony, I am seen as a bit of a hero and I can have a kebab when ever I want. As for little red riding hood, well she got amnesia and now thinks she is a Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle. She has also gained twelve stone and wears green instead of red now.