by Eric Miller
It landed on
our front porch with a thud. I ran to the
door to see what it was, but all I saw was a
large box and the back of the UPS truck pulling
away. The box and I wrestled with each other like
two sumo wrestlers, and I declared myself the
victor when I finally put the box down in the
corner of the play room and freed the contents.
it?, my wife asked.
didnt order it, I replied. So I
sure do hope you know what it is.
didnt order it either.
I picked up
the thick instruction pamphlet and began to read
the first page.
wake up, my wife screamed as she shook me
violently while I slept standing with the
instructions in hand.
happened?, I mumbled, confused and
asleep, standing, before you even finished the
first page of the instruction book.
you read it and tell me what it says.
so pathetic, she cried, as she took it from
me with a look of disdain.
She began to
scan the opening page, but her eyes glazed over
and closed, accompanied by a whistling snore.
Wake up, wake up, I cried, shaking
her to and fro.
happened?, she mumbled, confused and disoriented.
asleep, standing, before your eyes reached the
bottom of the first page, I said with
devil are they talking about? This isnt
even written in English.
contraire, ma femme, but it looks like the
Kings English to me, I replied with
to see our eight year old grandson, whom we
called Little One.
exactly is this that is oh, wow, here
Little One, I asked.
a Super Voltage, Wango, Wizzmeree,
Florelified, Mussgong, he said.
right, I said. Do you know how it got
course, I ordered it, Little One replied.
you do that?
same way you order stuff.
you have the credit card that I reported missing.
cant figure out how to make the Mussgong
work, Grandma blurted out before I could
let me show you Grandpa.
you, Little One, you have saved my life.
being sarcastic?, Grandpa, he asked.
I looked at
him. He looked at me. We both looked at Grandma.
know what sarcastic means?, we both asked
him in unison.
that you didnt really mean what you said.
silently as he bent over and ran his fingers over
the buttons, knobs, and switches. A motor started,
lights blinked, bells rang, and whistles blew.
looked up. It works fine.
he asked, as Grandma and I stared in wonder.
I replied. I couldnt have done it any
know. Dont you think its about time
that you both start to call me Big Guy?