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How to be Dead III
(A Wife's Testimony and a Neighbour's Testimony)
by Michael S. Collins

A Wife's Testimony:

How selfish it was of my husband to show off! Why, of all the bad habits to fall into, he chose death I shall never know. And did he seem at all afraid or ashamed? Of course not. He never did think about my feelings, like Richard does. And so, as he says, death has parted us.

"Get out of my way, dearly departed husband. You are worse to me dead than alive, if ever that were possible!"

He is following me like some kind of overbearing puppy. Disgusting. Why can’t he take the afterlife with good spirits? He claims he does not know how to die properly. Excuses! And that is my fault how, exactly?

Let me explain, I am not a bad person. How much did that idiot tell you about our lives? Nothing? How convenient of him. Gordon (I hope he introduced himself at least) is a self-confessed womaniser and possible maneater as well, although my suspicions in that regard were never convincingly proved. He drinks, and not just in the "drinks-with-the-mates" zone, or the "drinks-when-the-football-is-on" time. I mean proper alcoholism. He never use to be like this, but then he got married. Mum did say that marriage was often the worst thing to happen to some men. I know of at least two extramarital affairs Gordon has had and openly confessed to. Alas, I cannot confirm the affair with the rent boy, as the pictures were inconclusive. He also had an abusive temperament. He never quite laid a hand on me (you know what I mean!) but would make snide remarks about my weight and corsets. Hurtful stuff. Why could he not just say I looked nice, once in a while?

So, if he tries to paint himself as the lonely hero, remember – he isn’t, and he brought it upon himself. I needed someone to love me for me, instead of provider of drinks (and casual sex). Richard provides that, and of course I provide the prior two.

Anyhow, my stalker of a dead husband is scaring me. I am off to get Richard. But his damned dog will get in my way. Do that again and I shall kick you.

A Short Testimony of a Next Door Neighbour:

Adultery? I prefer to think of it as living in sin. Nit picking, me? I am afraid I can add little to your story, only to say I found Lisa standing in my doorway around 9pm on the night in question. That idiot dog of mine got in the way, so I gave it a good kick. She was mumbling some quaint ramblings about her husband Gordon, taunting her from beyond the grave. In some state, she was. I let her stay the night, and in the morning we searched the house but there was no sign of Gordon. Then, come the afternoon, came that call, and you know the rest - Gordon Divers dead, shot by unknown assailant. There is no proper proof to say he returned in any sort of supernatural guise. Lisa's visions? Female intuition perhaps? All I know is that living or dead, I have not seen Gordon Divers since that event. And personally I am glad of it. As for this accusation that I was spotted polishing my hunting rifle in the grounds of Gordon’ work at the time…why, I strenuously deny any such claims! And I am an honest man!

Do I have any regrets over my actions? One. I do miss my dog.