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How to be Dead II
(A Dead Man's Testimony)
by Michael S. Collins

As Frank’s dog stumbled across the lawn next door, I thought about how my day had gone. Today was probably not looking to be the best of days. Much to my disdain and turmoil I appear to have died. This was most inconvenient, given as I had hoped for a longer life in all regards, but also because I seemed to have no idea of the protocol of death. I seemed to be standing around waiting for something to happen, when it becomes clearer that there must be some sort of action on my part and I have no idea what it is! What would someone like my father do in my position? Probably head to the bar, but that can not be on the agenda.

Since I am being kept waiting I thought I would visit the wife. Not to haunt her. Honest! But perhaps this was an opportunity for some solace, and answers regarding her and Richard. I came in through the wall. Even in my disconsolate state, I had to admit that was a brilliant entrance. Lisa, for her part, dropped her suitcase and looked on in mortification at her showboating husband.

"Look what I can do!" In spite of myself, I was enjoying her severe unhappiness. I had had a bad day, inflicted mostly by her, after all. For her part she tried unsuccessfully to bring some composure to the situation.

"What happened to you?"

"Bad day. Lost wife, lost job, lost life. On a bad run I think. At least you will be free to sleep with Richard now, death doing us part and all that."

The wife took this badly. She came over to slap me and the hand went through my face. A tingling sensation! She screamed, and ran from the room. I might enjoy being dead. Richard’s dog looks on its last legs too.