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Good Bank, Bad Bank
by Walt Giersbach

President Obama and Treasury Secretary Geithner are considering the creation of “bad banks” to offload the toxic loans held by many banks. This may—or may not—release new funds for consumer loans.

Dear Mr. Anthony:
We are in receipt of your request for a loan of $100,000 that your hospital requires as a down payment for a heart transplant. We are sympathetic with your plight, but under new Federal regulations to avoid undue risk to taxpayers we are required to pass your application by both our good bank and bad bank departments before expediting your request. This is a summary of our findings:

Good Bank: We’re happy to comply with your request for $100,000 and applaud your desire to have a new heart. Under the previous administration there was a severe shortage of hearts and a surplus of testicular functions.

Bad Bank: We also concur with your request, but in the interest of lowering risk to taxpayers we must request you deposit your first-born child with us as collateral. You understand the necessity of this, we hope, since your car has been repossessed and your mortgage is in default.

GB: This collateral will be temporary in nature, until you’ve paid off fifty percent (50%) of the loan. We believe this will not present an undue hardship since you have several other children and a fertility clinic is chock full of your wife’s fertilized eggs being held in the event of a nuclear reactor meltdown.

BB: At that time, we’ll exchange your child for your wife, presuming standard depreciation on a 48-year-old woman with no morbid health problems. Under the new guidelines, your wife will work at the Red Cross Blood Bank as a donor. As with your car and home, your heart may be repossessed for non-payment on the loan.

GB: If you will call our office to make an appointment, we will have the necessary papers ready. In lieu of the customary toasters and can openers our bank formerly provided new clients, we will allow you to choose from our supply of body parts and organs at a discounted price.

BB: It would help if you bring your own pen with which to sign the documents. And don’t forget your first-born child.

The Officers
First Notional Bunk