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Five Short Pieces
by Charlie Britten


“We take our pupils’ health and safety very seriously,” read the notice Miss Headteacher pinned on the school gate. “School is cancelled today.”

”Hurray for ice and snow!” she thought. “And for all the savings I'm making on heating, catering and cleaners’ pay!”

She walked across the empty playground and opened the door to her warm office. “Now I can get on with some nice paperwork.”



“Computer problems?  Ring us any time.” 

I rang the number listed in the advert and waited for the familiar ring-ring. Mobile numbers take longer to connect, don’t they? But instead I got this extended birdlike single brrr- 


I started explaining about my printer not printing, and was about to tell him about my dodgy internet connection, but he cut me short. “Erm… I’m on holiday, love , in Florida.”



Daniel thought he was so cool, in his baggy jeans which dropped below his boxers. Green spots, red check, little blue and red squares… we girls saw them all. This morning he was getting up from his computer at college when they dropped down to his thighs.  

He gave us a sidelong look, his eyes widening in shock and horror and his lips forming an astonished ‘O’.

But I'd seen him loosen his fly button earlier.



The dustbin is on its side and there is rubbish strewn all over the garden. Again. “I will put a brick on top of the lid!” cries Carnivore. “That’ll stop the fox.”

But it didn't. One brick… two… three… four… five… six… Charlie knocks them all down to get what he wants.

Carnivore goes away on business, leaving Vegetarian in the house on her own. 

No bricks needed now. The fox trots no more.



To:  Sixthform Tutors
From:  Headteacher

Bottles of ‘Water’ Taken In Exams

Your concerns noted, also that vodka is odourless.  Last year Sarah Watson’s ‘water bottle’ contained neat gin and she got into Cambridge..