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"Feghooters Don'ts"
by Art Bupkis

Dear Fellow Feghooters (and our numerous groupies):

Since the first installment of this on-line tutorial on the fine art of the literary Feghoot, I have been barraged (well, at least once) to clarify what are NOT fine Feghoots. As exemplars are always more helpful to artistic development than rules, at the risk of wide social offence I am now providing some atrocious examples. Note that most are short, rather than being of the noble long form I champion.

Example #5 requires special note. Although I am unaware of any other play attempting a Feghoot, this example is downright distasteful, that alone being enough reason to bring it to your attention. Perhaps worse, I believe I detect cheap ridicule of the USA Economic Recovery Act and Chrysler Motors, maker of the Jeep. Simply outrageous, given the service the Jeep rendered in WW-II.

1) Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck each opened wild animal export companies in Australia. Bugs packed his animals in wooden containers in which they were comfortably housed on the airplane. A cheep-skate, Daffy simply ball & chained his critters on the deck of a freighter. Bugs' shipment arrived safely, but Daffy's sank, as a Tasmanian Devil got loose and ate the other animals, the crew, and most of the ship. Which demonstrates that old rule of commerce: "Better crate than tether."

2) A beauty shop opened in San Francisco that catered to transvestite clowns. With the recession and lagging business, a sign in the window advertised a 2 for 1 special: “A ninny shaved is a ninny permed.”

3) Mr. and Mrs. Kvetch should'a figured all their girls would be divorced. As everyone knows, "Shrill daughters none keep."

4) A pig farmer had it with his wife's sharp temper and "poor me" complaining, so he threatened her with real work: From now on, "A bitch & whine, bathes swine."

5)   Pop-Eyed Swea’pea!
  Act I A Room in Olive Oyl’s Cottage
The Jeep:   “Jeep, Jeep!”
(Eugene the Jeep is on Olive.)
Olive Oyl:   “Oh, Yes! Golly me.
Oh, Yes…. Oh my.
Oh, YES, YES…. Y-E-S !!!
Oh, golly gee, Eugene, you are a magical Jeep!"
Swea’pea:   (Peaking through a window with his Brownie camera)
“Oh, boy! Wait’ll Popeye sees this!”
The Jeep:   “Jeep!”
  Act II On Popeye’s Ship
Swea’pea:   “Get a load of these, sailor man.”
(Out come the pictures.)
Popeye:   “Well Blow Me Down!
“Why that…. I gots to gets over to Olive’s, QUICK!”
  Act III Back at Olive’s
The Jeep:   “Jeep, Jeep!”
(The Jeep is dog'n Popeye.)
Popeye:   Gee Willikers, Olive! It is a magical Jeep!!”
Olive:   “You go williker yourself, Popeye. It's my turn now.”
Swea’pea:   (At the window with the Brownie again.)
“Hot dog! Wait’ll Bluto sees this!”
The Jeep:   "Jeep!"


Certainly not. Chrysler Motors, with substantial help from the US tax-payer, is now introducing the 2010 Jeep "Budget Bugger". Yep, Mr. & Mrs. America, when you hear "Jeep", reach for the K-Y. One way or another, you're get'n screwed.
6) Art Bupkis recently opened a comedy dinner club. As waitresses he has hired big-breasted, joke-telling transsexuals and makes them wear skimpy outfits. Yes, it's called "Fag-Hooters".
  p.s. I'm suing the smart-ass homophobe who wrote this last one  
>;-( > .