by M. J. Nicholls
A tramp who hunches through the park beating his
radioactive penis against a lamppost. He empties
the last few drops of alcopops onto his tongue
and rates how wretched he feels in metres. Later,
he will run around the park squawking at ducks
then hurl himself into the pond.
A tendency among doctors to diagnose terminal
cysts on patients with a record of perfect health.
Usually the doctors let their patients sweat for
two or three months before admitting their
error and discharging the patient
with a clean bill of health. They are mostly
To deprogram 1970s disco fanatics by introducing
them to a range of music, from soul to reggae to
progressive rock. The technique also involves
locking the afflicted in a room and pumping in
the entire record works of the Beatles. Either
they go into a deep state of shock and remain
lost in music, or make a swift comeback.
A condition among schizophrenics who
believe themselves to be tramps with radioactive
penises, doctors with a tendency to diagnose
patients with terminal cysts, and 1970s disco
fanatics attempting to deprogram themselves with
popular music. Very rare in medical circles: only
one case in recorded history.