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by M. J. Nicholls

Cynici: A tramp who hunches through the park beating his radioactive penis against a lamppost. He empties the last few drops of alcopops onto his tongue and rates how wretched he feels in metres. Later, he will run around the park squawking at ducks then hurl himself into the pond.

Cysistical: A tendency among doctors to diagnose terminal cysts on patients with a record of perfect health. Usually the doctors let their patients sweat for two or three months before admitting their ‘error’ and discharging the patient with a clean bill of health. They are mostly unpleasant people.

Deboogie: To deprogram 1970s disco fanatics by introducing them to a range of music, from soul to reggae to progressive rock. The technique also involves locking the afflicted in a room and pumping in the entire record works of the Beatles. Either they go into a deep state of shock and remain lost in music, or make a swift comeback.

Cynicicysisticaldeboogieness: A condition among schizophrenics who believe themselves to be tramps with radioactive penises, doctors with a tendency to diagnose patients with terminal cysts, and 1970s disco fanatics attempting to deprogram themselves with popular music. Very rare in medical circles: only one case in recorded history.