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Canine Persuasion
by Holly Bohart

Dear Homeowners,

It has come to our attention that you are in egregious violation of the standards of the Greater Ralston Homeowners' Association (hereafter referred to as the "HOA," although we prefer "Your Royal Highnesses") regarding canine ownership. HOA Rule 793205xiv%894 clearly states that all domiciles within its jurisdiction will retain at least one animal of canine persuasion, which shall be of a stature that is inversely related to the size of the dwelling. Based on our approximations of the square footage of your domicile, we have calculated a required canine stature of not less than 5 feet (standing height of 6 feet, 2 inches).

You have been sighted numerous times walking about the neighborhood alone, unaccompanied by a dog. This is in violation of Rule IIVXIIXIV. We begin to suspect that you do not own a cat, either, although this cannot be proven, as cats are not easily found if they do not wish to be.

Our community has standards to uphold, and regrettably, you have shown a marked unwillingness to support them. Your failure to comply with our mandate borders on anti-canine sentiment, which will NOT be tolerated in this community. Our neighborhood was founded on principles of equality among humans and canines, and we are charged with ensuring that this legacy continues.

We regret that, according to Rule BVK@@@J, we must impose sanctions for Failure to Retain a Canine, which shall include a fine of not less than $7,249,397. If violations continue, the offending homeowners shall be placed in the community dog run and, in full view of the public, slobbered upon by the approximately 1,926 dogs currently residing in the immediate area.

We trust, however, that now that this matter has been brought to your attention (and the dire consequences of continued violations duly set forth), you will realize your error and institute immediate action to rectify the situation. Within seven days, this HOA must have proof that you have acquired, and brought into your home with permanent intentions, a dog meeting the size requirements set forth earlier in this letter. We expect you and this canine to appear at the next scheduled HOA meeting, at which time the dog will be closely questioned to determine whether he or she is, indeed, a member of your household.

If you have any questions for us, such as why our Rules do not follow any established numbering system, please do not hesitate to contact us. We can be reached between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., except when we are out walking our dogs.

Sincerely yours,
Greater Ralston HOA Canine Task Force