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Bite the Bride
by Walt Giersbach

COLUMBIA STATION, Ohio (AP) - An Ohio couple has vowed to love each other and haunt and howl at the moon together at a Halloween-themed wedding. Sixty-one-year-old Jack Holsinger and 44-year-old Connie Spitznagel were both made up as vampires for their ‘scare-emoney’ Saturday night at a haunted house. Holsinger arrived in a coffin inside a hearse, and the coffin was carried to the altar by six pallbearers. Minister Greg Kopp was dressed as Jason in the Friday the 13th movies.

Now, I’ve officiated at a lot of weddings, but this one topped them all. Jack and Connie saw that movie, Twilight, about 12 times and it went to their head. The kids tell me Twilight is about this really old vampire in high school—sort of like those slackers left back in our school system. And there are about half a dozen neck-biting novels on the best-seller lists, but a vampire wedding carries this thing too darn far. In fact, I saw Jack and Connie in the tavern a few weeks ago gumming raw hamburgers and drinking bloody Marys through their plastic vampire teeth.

I went along with the wedding gag when they told me to dress up like Jason in Friday the 13th. Me, a preacher. No one told me Jason was a demented killer. When the ceremony started, a bunch of pallbearers wheeled old Jack down the aisle in a coffin. Connie looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy with her face powdered in flour and her mouth lipsticked like she’d sucked the paint off a fire truck.

Well, I’m glad my friends didn’t know about this wedding or I’d’ve died of shame. When the ceremony concluded, I blurted out, “You may now bite the bride.” Jack clamped onto her neck and a gleam came over Connie’s face like she’d reached orgasm on a roller coaster.

They insisted I stay for the reception, and I said, “Okay, for a short while.” The Champagne toast was replaced with bags of tomato juice labeled “type O blood.” Place looked like it was catered by the Red Cross. I resisted their invitation to imbibe on a catheter. Said I was on a diet. Fortunately, they didn’t have any plasma or I’d’ve been in trouble.

But, I look on the bright side. Jack and Connie being immortal vampires means no one will have to conduct a funeral service for them.