Be Careful What
You Wish For
by Dan Gee
I hate having
a cold and you would think that no one in their
right mind would like to have a cold, but then
you have not met Billy. For a person of
Billy’s appearance you would imagine that he
too, would be against having the curse of a cold,
but then the Pussycat Dolls are a singing group
with just one singer so not everything always
makes sense.
Billy is 6ft 4
and weighs about the same as a full grown Hippo
which has just had a large toilet session;
without this toilet session the weight comparison
would be way out and then any realism from the
comparison would be lost, and that is just bad,
and it has to be said that he is losing weight
with each day that passes. He also has shoulders
that are gargantuan in width and depth, which
take on a form that would befit any UFC champion,
let alone a rugby union full back. Yes Billy
played that ever so masculine sport of rugby, or
“ruggers” to many knuckle dragging
pseudo socialites, but that did not make up for
the fact that he, apart from the weekly nose
bleed or nose bleed inflicting, was a bit of a
softy.
The most
famous occasion of this half monster half lain
moose like activity was when he finished his
intermediate GCSE maths mock paper and was rather
upset with his performance. Coming in to the
house he felt a snuffle, then a sniffle then a
sneeze! Initially he was very happy as this would
inevitably lead to one, maybe two days off school
which can be used for all the normal male
activities when there is nothing to do. He could
also tell his mates that he had a rare tropical
illness and the fact that he was there today was
a miracle. Initially all went as planned, and
with it being a Wednesday when Billy contracted
the illness, he figured that by Friday his
amazing immune system would have defeated the
virus and he could play rugby on Saturday, thus
magnifying his hero status amongst the boys even
more.
However, this
was not to be, by the time Friday came around,
Billy had a terrible skin rash, was defecating
regularly and vomiting even more. Added to this
he was shaking frequently, and could feel his
intestinal lining slowly sliding down his insides.
His head felt like a collection of drugged up
Beavers were having an illegal rave inside making
his skull ache and his throat soar. Needless to
say he missed the rugby game, and was unable to
grab at balls, roll around in those tight shorts
or hug the other boys and wrestle them to the wet
floor. He was however able to go to hospital
where they realised, after much deliberation and
much panic, that he had Ebola Haemorrhagic Fever,
which unlike a cold, will actually kill you.
So if you
haven’t met Billy that is why. He got a cold.
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