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Be Careful What You Wish For
by Dan Gee

I hate having a cold and you would think that no one in their right mind would like to have a cold, but then you have not met Billy. For a person of Billy’s appearance you would imagine that he too, would be against having the curse of a cold, but then the Pussycat Dolls are a singing group with just one singer so not everything always makes sense.

Billy is 6ft 4 and weighs about the same as a full grown Hippo which has just had a large toilet session; without this toilet session the weight comparison would be way out and then any realism from the comparison would be lost, and that is just bad, and it has to be said that he is losing weight with each day that passes. He also has shoulders that are gargantuan in width and depth, which take on a form that would befit any UFC champion, let alone a rugby union full back. Yes Billy played that ever so masculine sport of rugby, or “ruggers” to many knuckle dragging pseudo socialites, but that did not make up for the fact that he, apart from the weekly nose bleed or nose bleed inflicting, was a bit of a softy.

The most famous occasion of this half monster half lain moose like activity was when he finished his intermediate GCSE maths mock paper and was rather upset with his performance. Coming in to the house he felt a snuffle, then a sniffle then a sneeze! Initially he was very happy as this would inevitably lead to one, maybe two days off school which can be used for all the normal male activities when there is nothing to do. He could also tell his mates that he had a rare tropical illness and the fact that he was there today was a miracle. Initially all went as planned, and with it being a Wednesday when Billy contracted the illness, he figured that by Friday his amazing immune system would have defeated the virus and he could play rugby on Saturday, thus magnifying his hero status amongst the boys even more.  

However, this was not to be, by the time Friday came around, Billy had a terrible skin rash, was defecating regularly and vomiting even more. Added to this he was shaking frequently, and could feel his intestinal lining slowly sliding down his insides. His head felt like a collection of drugged up Beavers were having an illegal rave inside making his skull ache and his throat soar. Needless to say he missed the rugby game, and was unable to grab at balls, roll around in those tight shorts or hug the other boys and wrestle them to the wet floor. He was however able to go to hospital where they realised, after much deliberation and much panic, that he had Ebola Haemorrhagic Fever, which unlike a cold, will actually kill you.

So if you haven’t met Billy that is why. He got a cold.