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A Whiff of Reality
by Wesley Freeman

I have made an important discovery. When a man decides not to use deodorant, he is condemning himself and those around him to an unpleasant nasal experience. I know this seems like a fairly stupid thing for me to discover, but before you pass judgment, let me elaborate a little as to why I have found this to be so fascinating.

First off, I almost never go without deodorant. If I do decide to venture unprotected, it is rarely for more than a day, and those such occasions are invariably associated with camping or some other such smelly activity. As a result I have never really had an opportunity to explore how one can be fully washed, yet still exude an odor of cat crap. So it was a new discovery for me to find that regardless of how I may bathe, the lack of an underarm deodorizer progresses from the mildly offensive to rank nasty. The resulting smell from an ill conceived movement of ones arm can practically knock a person to the ground.

Why on earth do our pits stink so bad? There are lots of fancy answers to this question. My favorite is that the fatty, oily sweat that normally resides around our butts also comes out from under our arms. Was this one of God's little jokes, or an evolutionary form of convenience? I guess if we, like dogs, had to smell between each other's legs all the time, the result would probably be many socially awkward moments, and the occasional back problem. Hence the convenience of the armpit.

But really, is there an advantage to being able to smell each others' body odor? Sometimes I wonder if there is some suppressed form of olfactory communication that we are missing out on. I mean, you do learn a lot about your buddies when you are sitting around farting at each other. Maybe we could sense each others moods or something. Might be a tad inconvenient during poker games. “It smells like baby vomit in here; Frank must have a good hand.” But just think of the advantage guys could have when trying to understand the complexities of female emotions. “She says nothing is wrong, but given the faint aroma of wet goat, her day must have been worse than she is letting on.”

I guess it is unlikely that the next societal movement is going to be to fling out the deodorant. But at least I can be satisfied that the practice of rubbing a sticky substance under my arms everyday has a useful purpose. I wonder if a similar technique could be used to deodorize my buddies' farts?