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Away in a Manger, Darkly
by Walt Giersbach

Independent News and Media Ltd., 12 April 2010 A 66-year-old man pleaded guilty today to having sex with a horse and a donkey. Joseph Squires appeared at Leicester Crown Court charged with buggery of a donkey between February 2 and February 5, 1999, and buggery of a horse between March 15 and 18, 2004. Defence counsel Amar Mehta, requesting he be released on bail, said, “The defendant does not have a stable address although he says his daughter can provide an address.” Judge Michael Pert QC refused the application and remanded Squires into custody.

“I call it rank discrimination, my not having a stable,” Joseph Squires told the Independent News. “Not only that, it’s prejudicial against Maisie, my Shetland pony. Maisie and I love each other.

“My town has ordinances against putting a stable in the back yard. That’s hardly a reason to keep me behind bars. I believe Jesus was born in a stable.

“No one frowns on May-December affairs anymore, Maisie earns a small income plowing fields in season, and there are places that allow gay marriages. Oh, sure, they talk about the education differences between Maisie and me. Maisie didn’t have what you’d call ‘formal’ schooling, but she can count by tapping her hoof. That must be worth something.

“The donkey—well, that was just a flight of fancy when we met in a pub. Worse yet, it was the donkey—I think her name was Sallie—who gave testimony against me out of sheer jealousy. Sallie was let go and I’m facing a jail term! Is there no justice?

“I’m facing serious prison time—just another Socrates or Galileo penalized for his beliefs. Worse yet, what if Maisie leaves me and goes galloping off while I’m behind bars? You know how coltish young females can be.

“Now, my daughter is willing to put us up till I’m sentenced, but she says we’d have to stay in our bedroom when the Vicar visits on Sunday. I’m just wondering, if Maisie had a nice friend for the Vicar….”