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An Inconvenient Memo at Christmas
by Walt Giersbach

To: Mr. K. Kringle
Subject: Modifications of Xmas Functions and Products
From: Central Control Authority, U.S. Government

Below is notification of our testing of products submitted for review:

1. Yule Log. Product has been found by Federal Trade Commission to be highly flammable and a hazard when ingested by children and pets. No warning label or ingredients are listed.

2. Sleigh: Environmental Protection Agency determined while no fossil fuel is consumed, complaints were registered by the Federal Aviation Authority re. evacuation of organic matter (feces) over Poughkeepsie, Tacoma and Chagrin Falls. Civil Aeronautics Board is also initiating cancellation of your license for not filing a flight plan since the year 992.

3. Red Suit, Fur-Lined: Insufficient data was submitted to substantiate approval. Was fur taken from endangered species? Is suit fire retardant? Has this been approved for high-altitude flying?

4. Candy Canes: Although approved by Food & Drug Administration, the Americans with Disabilities Act suggests eliminating this item as being offensive to dwarves and midgets.

5. Elves: The Equal Employment Opportunities Commission finds your hiring practices are discriminating. Being small with pointy ears is not a bonafide occupational qualification.

We are sorry, Mr. Kringle, that none of the above items can be approved. We note in passing that proceedings are also being filed for trademark infringement for usurping the “Santa Claus” clothing service mark of Salvation Army bell-ringers.

On a personal note, may I suggest you dissolve your unincorporated organization, file for bankruptcy and retire to the Southwest as an alternative to appealing this decision? Since government clothing allowances also provide stockings, Uncle Sam may as well fill them too.

Merry Christmas.