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A Feghoot to Purge the Spirit
(Read this, then please don't call me in the morning.)
by Dr. Art Bupkis

(Feeling sick?  No?  You will.) The Case of the Farmer, the Goose, and the Judge:

Once upon a time a poor farmer in Washington State owned a goose. It was just about all he had. Still, he never thought of eating his goose, for it provided fine waterproof feathers that the farmer could sell to local fletchers. Hunting arrows were in high demand in rural east Washington for elk hunting. 

The problem was that the goose kept biting the farmer's neighbors. The neighbors went to court, hoping to get an order to cook the farmer's goose.

When the Circuit Judge heard all the arguments, he had a simple solution: Muzzle the goose. 

The farmer said he'd never heard of such a thing for a bird. The judge explained patiently that the device had curved wood strips above and below, with stiff wires in between.  It slips over the bird's bill, and leather straps around the head hold it on. Side snaps on the wooden strips allow easy opening of a front section that swings on a hinge, just like a gate, for feeding. 

The farmer objected again that he'd never heard of such a ridiculous item; the Judge must be joking.

The judge responded angrily, "Mr. Farmer, I'm about to find you in contempt of court. Why everyone around here's heard of "bill gates"!